Your obsessive pursuit won’t heal your shame

Obsessions mask inconvenient and difficult truths, both personal and existential. People who suffer from obsessions are often unable to explain why they love what they’re obsessed with or how holding on to it makes them happy. Obsession as a distraction manifests itself in the pursuit of fame, love, and financial success. these are not the things the goal It’s inherently bad (nor is it inherently good). It is people who recognize that perfectionist Track them and add the belt notches. Basically, it turns out that they don’t mean much to them.

Indeed, perfectionists are bad at thinking in black and white, and after idealizing, they devalue everything they own. But there’s something deeper here. Perfectionists tend to treat most things as a means to an end. For example, engaging with strangers at a party may imply the possibility of approval, which in turn may increase one’s likability. self-esteem. It hardly matters whether strangers are compatible or not. Because there are many obsessive compulsive disorder They are so preoccupied with their image that rejection feels devastating. So the fact that they may not have even liked the person who rejected them feels irrelevant.

Here, the relentless pursuit of love hides one’s feelings. shamefeeling unwanted and unloved. The chased person is forced into the role of a levee, a bland object that protects the perfectionist from the rising tide. Existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom famously asked his patients, “What are people here for?” But you can also extend his question to, “What makes something worth pursuing, whether it’s a relationship or a personal goal?” Is the purpose simply to maintain emotional security or to feel good about yourself? Perfectionists, in part, devalue what they have. That’s because no single accomplishment, whatever it may be, can suggest anything meaningful about who a person is in general (unless it somehow effectively reminds them, every second, that they are special). boredom) And because the process of achievement itself is rarely full of joy.

An attached person is always waiting. You’re waiting for something to prove you’re important, you’re waiting for something to relieve your burden, you’re waiting for something to make you stop obsessing. But in reality, for perfectionists to stop obsessing, they will need to address many of the issues that underlie their obsession. The outside world does little to correct your sense of self. It can’t provide you with any objective meaning (it just makes you feel like you “should” pursue something). it can’t tell you what happiness for you; and it doesn’t help you learn to endure being conscious of your own mortality. Fundamentally, attachment is a paradox: excessive independence and codependency-Perfectionists seek a life full of material and philosophical provisions that will take care of them (in both senses of the word, by themselves and to the exclusion of other goals).

And in that pursuit, perfectionists neglect to ask whether there are alternatives that could make them happy, especially ones that are more mundane and less impactful. A cliché question we ask young people is, “What would you do if you had a million dollars?” And you can also adapt this to perfectionists and ask, “If you had a utopia, what would you do?” Do you still pursue the approval of strangers who may not share your interests, concerns, and values? Do you continue to be preoccupied with your social status? And engage in your usual activities?

Learning to tolerate one’s shame can feel like a contradiction, since we often implore patients to address their problems head-on. But shame and existential fear are often best dealt with by immersing yourself in your life and trying not to think too much about its meaning. By trying different or difficult activities, you can find what you like most. By interacting with a variety of people, you can find out who you like to build relationships with the most. The fundamental question is, instead of “What does this show about me?” ask yourself, “What does this make me feel right now?” Does what you do excite you and make you curious? Would you stay involved even if the activity didn’t lead to something better? And what would you do if you accepted that you can’t permanently resolve your shame and feelings? fear?

Despite offering an extraordinary amount of hope, obsessions tend to lead to dead ends, even when they accomplish everything they desire. Existential philosopher Soren Kierkegaard summed up this truth when he wrote, “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” At the end of the day, all we have is our experience and the emotions it elicits. But the important thing is that you need to actively choose them without the expectation that they will somehow solve all your problems.