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you can’t control your child



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A long time ago, I learned from observing the interactions between parents and children, and between teachers and children, that you should not make children do anything. We have no power to control them. Our power is how we support and scaffold – set limits; boundary line It creates opportunities for children to make good choices, such as doing homework, putting away their belongings, sitting at the dinner table, and persevering with scary or challenging activities.

So in my work with parents and teachers, the focus is never on changing the child. We focus on how to change the situation.

This story of my work with one family reveals what this is like in real life. How can parents and teachers understand the approach that U.S. women’s team coach Emma Hayes takes with her players, which uses high expectations and high support to help children overcome fears and follow important school rules? How did we work together to make a change?

incident

Jody and Marshall are the parents of Oliver, 7 years old. Oliver is a very sensitive child who is self-conscious and avoids any activities he feels are performative, such as gymnastics, music, or doing book reviews in class at school. Oliver also doesn’t feel comfortable going to birthday parties or soccer clinics without his parents. Jody and Marshall sought advice on how to help Oliver become more confident in taking risks, conquering new challenges, and moving through difficult challenges and transitions with strength.

Jody and Marshall were very accommodating when we first met. If Oliver refused to go to a birthday party or soccer alone, they stayed even though he knew their presence would prevent him from fully participating in these important social experiences. The school was also working to address Oliver’s discomfort. He was the only student in the class who did not have to submit a book report. When he resisted moving classrooms for different subjects, an assistant brought him work. For example, he was studying mathematics when he was still in the reading laboratory. When Oliver refused to go to gym or music class, they made him sit in a cozy space in the front office and read, his preferred activity.

result

Jody and Marshall decide to start by problem-solving the soccer situation. Oliver loves soccer, but clinics can be unpleasant for him because they involve performance. This is a huge trigger due to Oliver’s self-consciousness and worry about not being perfect. We agreed that an important step was for Jody and Marshall to not remain in the clinic. They would drop Oliver off. The reason for this change is that when they are around, Oliver focuses on everything he does. Note on them. He seeks them out, complains about everything, tries to get them to take him home, demands all kinds of things like snacks and different drinks. All this causes his attention to be focused on them and not on participating. Marshall told the coach about this new plan to get Oliver off, and asked if he could give Oliver an active role to facilitate this change. Coach was game. He tells Oliver that he needs him as a helper. They wanted Oliver to arrive five minutes early to help set up the cones. This turned out to be the key. It made Oliver feel important and special. And arriving early proved to be easier for Oliver to join the group.

Being the first one there made him feel more comfortable. With this new role, Oliver began to participate more in the clinic and enjoy it, since Mom and Dad weren’t there to help. This is a great example of the concept. High expectations, high support I think this approach is very helpful for children. We have high expectations for them (in this case, we send Oliver to the clinic without mom or dad present) and we show them that we believe in them while giving them the support they need to succeed. wants to give (in this case, give him a job). He considered himself a helper. )

This success in soccer allowed Jody and Marshall to increase exposure to challenges they knew Oliver could overcome, such as going to a birthday party without Oliver. Jody said: “Oliver’s friends from his class threw him a farewell party. He’s never had a playdate without a parent, and he’s never been to a friend’s house, so we didn’t know what to expect.” I was on my way home.” , he was freaking out and said it was mean that I was trying to let him go, but I knew Oliver would regret it and I didn’t want him to go. had to be physically moved. It’s a child’s door. When we got inside, he jumped right in and talked to the kids and their father, but when I came to pick them up, Oliver didn’t want to leave. ”

Stay tuned for “Part 2” where I will show you how I solved school-related problems.



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