Why I fought my partner on Valentine’s Day

Dinner reservations were approaching. You were dressed to the nines. You got the right clothes, the perfect card, and make your hair look great. You went on a night when it was full of romance and hoped that your partner would profess an immortal love for you, the two of you will go home together and have a wonderful night Intimateand sleep more fully, connected, and ah, so satisfied and happy.

Except that it didn’t happen. You fought your partner. Dinner is noisy. Their cards were sub-par and were non-existent. What they said upset you. I don’t understand why they acted in their way. The plan may have been cancelled. The night ended in a row. You are anti-mined about what was wrong and why you feel even more disconnected from your partner than before. You are very disappointed.

If Valentine’s Day becomes a laundry, know that you are not alone. There’s a reason why such a high stakes holiday will be the perfect storm for feuds with your partner. Let’s see why this happens and what we can do to isolate ourselves from this possibility next time.

Too much expectation

Expecting date nights to knock down the socks is a recipe for disappointment. On big days like Valentine’s Day, there is a lot of pressure on big days when our partners blow us away. Because we are human, we make mistakes as well as our partners, and imperfections during such high stakes events can make us feel disappointed or betrayed. We don’t need to break all our hopes for next year, either for a nice day or evening, but we can set more rational expectations by making plans workable, fun, flexible and ensuring room for imperfection. , we can protect what we feel is shortened.

Comparison

Have you seen other couples’ Instagram photos from their amazing dates? Does that make you question whether your partner will invest as much time as they need in the relationship, or whether you are really compatible? Did someone else’s plan make your plans laugh easier in comparison? These are comparisons of painful, ridiculous spirals that guide us. Don’t measure it for something someone else said they did or posted Social Media. Accept what might not have been perfect, yes, but pay Note Enjoy what’s good about your good. Positive attention is not a rug cleaning strategy. It helps us to balance things that aren’t that good and take our attention away from focusing solely on what’s wrong and how we measure it on everyone else. It’s the method.

Issues not addressed

Also, up to Valentine’s Day, you or your partner may have had some stacked responsive responsiveness or have not resolved one or more problems that have arisen interpersonally in the course of your relationship. There is. A day full of pressure around romance (in a commercialized version) can bring these unaddressed issues to the surface. One small thing goes wrong on a national date night, reminding me of all other ways my partner is unloved, frustrated, unprecedented and invalidated. The battle that follows can escalate as you don’t just fight the night on one hand. It’s about the past. By ensuring you and your partner earn weekly or monthly time, we will prevent this next year, discuss relationship challenges, unexpressed wounds, and resolve and repair previous disagreements. If the resentment is really intense or large, consider enlisting for help from a couple therapist.

You can believe your partner can read

Maybe you wanted your partner to surprise you with a particular gift. I’ll pick you up from work. Or do other meaningful things that didn’t pan out. Our partners cannot predict all our needs and desires, so it is important to communicate in advance what is truly important to us on special occasions. Maybe it’s not a flashy dinner. It would be even more fun to go to the museum for half a day after work and go for a walk. Or cook together. I’m going for a road trip.

You just have to each other…

Big night battles, especially Valentine’s Day, can sometimes be a means of end. The end: Relationship. Maybe you and your partner felt even stronger on Valentine’s Day. Maybe your partner knew how important Valentine’s Day was to you, but stubbornly refused to do anything special. This fight could have been a way to drive away others incredibly.

…or you actually want to get closer

Counterintuitively, we can also start a fight when we want to feel closer to our partner. This can be a reliable action for us, who are often raised in the chaotic or turbulent homes that our parents scream and claim. When we fight our partners, we don’t consciously recognize that it is our goal, but our brains are wired to associate it with love and intimacy. If you or your partner tend to do this frequently, it is definitely worth finding a therapist who can help you gain insight into the motivations of your actions, and new to engage with your partner Practice the method and bring out feelings of intimacy that never ends in everything.

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Disagreements with our partners are not the end of the world. In fact, they can recognize what is important to us and our partners when we navigate correctly, negotiate our needs and move our relationships more constructively and productively. It is more likely to occur every high pressure day, such as Valentine’s Day. Therefore, if you join with your partner this February 14th, panic. Think about why you fought, what you need to heal, what you did differently, and what your partner needs to heal. (If you don’t know, ask them.) But if the fight was that for you, that’s right. No matter what happens due to past Valentine’s Day, consider it as important feedback on what you will (or not) the next time.

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