When words don’t speak: How to help someone who is grieving

You’ve been there too. An awkward moment when someone you care about is in despair. Perhaps their eyes are red and wet, or their shoulders are slumped and trembling. Your chest may heave as you take shallow breaths. Perhaps a supernatural silence has taken hold, leaving us empty and silent.

And you are between stimulus and response. I’m at a loss as to what to say. You worry that you have nothing to say or that you’re saying the wrong thing. You might even tell yourself that your loved one needs some “alone time to deal with it,” when in reality it’s your own discomfort that you’re trying to avoid.

Research (Moore et al., 2022) shows that love and connection are essential to healing after loss, so show you care by being there. There is no perfect approach, but here are some important ground rules.

what do not have To say…

1. “Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

We may wish it were so, but we don’t know if it will actually happen. Grieving people don’t need wishful thinking. They need love and support.

Additionally, they stick to reliable information. If you can provide that, great. It’s okay if you can’t. Find other ways to be helpful, such as offering encouragement instead of assurance. Try saying, “You can find a way to get through this. I’m here for you.” And follow through.

Also, be a resource. Offer to help the person put together a plan of action or help with daily tasks. Be prepared if you need to perform more emotionally demanding chores, such as cleaning the home of a deceased loved one or planning a memorial service. Do your part to share “approved” information with the broader community so your loved ones don’t have to. Your presence is much more helpful than false promises of certainty.

2. “Everything happens for a reason” or “We are only given what we can deal with.”

You may believe this, others may not. And even if they used to believe it, sorrow has a way of questioning deeply held beliefs and principles. It’s best not to project yourself onto them. This is especially true for people facing betrayal and injustice.

Be present or steward by helping your loved one accept the situation with “compassionate honesty,” that is, kindness to oneself as one absorbs painful realities. Also, try to help them find and maintain something meaningful about the situation. Don’t try to play God.

3. “Someone is always doing it worse.”

Keeping perspective is an essential part of overcoming grief, but it doesn’t always come easily. Grieving people usually don’t want to hear about other people’s pain, at least not at that moment. Being reminded of the sufferings of others, especially those greater than one’s own, only makes one appreciate a person’s patience.

Instead, allow your loved one to feel free to express their emotions by feeling sad, angry, furious, or crying. Research (NIH, 2017) shows that you need to feel like you want to heal. In other words, if your loved one feels more depressed than energetic, gently suggest that they consult a professional.

4. “I know what you’re going through.”

you Really?Have you ever been in a similar or similar situation to this person? Or are you unknowingly projecting your own experiences onto theirs?

First, it’s important to be present with your loved one’s experiences and emotional challenges. Being heard is one of the best supports you can provide. Only then will it be helpful to share bits and pieces of your experience and show empathy and solidarity.

5. “Don’t be negative. Think happy thoughts.”

While moping isn’t particularly effective for healing, remember that sadness is not a positive experience. Trying to hide a person’s suffering behind forced emotions happiness The pain doesn’t go away. It just stays somewhere else. “Just be positive” and other happiness-based platitudes are often just a way to fill an awkward silence.

Instead of advertising that you should just be positive, try being honest: I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Please let me know how I can help. ” If you want to focus on something positive, remind the person of their strengths and encourage them to take advantage of them when the pain gets especially heavy.

6. “If I were you…” or “What you should do is…”

It’s natural to want to help someone who is suffering, but times of grief are not the time to play know-it-all. Loss is a very personal experience and affects each of us differently. How a person reacts depends on many factors, including: personalitydealing with attachment style, biology, life experiences, faith/belief system, and background.

Just because you like one approach doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for someone else. Ask for your opinion before imposing it. If you feel strongly that you have something worth contributing, you can ask, “Can I make a suggestion?” or “This might help…”

7. “I told you so.”

No big deal. Sometimes in life we ​​encounter difficult situations that we did not want. We can also contribute to our own suffering, even unintentionally. It’s hard to watch from the sidelines as someone you love does something you wouldn’t do yourself, but saying “I told you so” after a tragic outcome doesn’t help. It’s also condescending. You don’t get points for being correct, but you get points for being present.

Rather than reminding the other person that you made the right decision, help them avoid making decisions that could cause further suffering. Also, brainstorm positive actions that can move you forward in a healthy way.

what to do…

8. Be patient and receive signs from your loved ones.

The healing process cannot be forced, rushed, or demanded as much as you (or they) would like. If your loved one feels like talking, let’s talk. If they want quiet, give them quiet, which includes sitting quietly when you’re with them. If they want to laugh, that’s great.

Research (Cacioppo, 2003) shows that both positive and negative emotions are part of the sadness mix, and sometimes even occur together. ) If you want to cry, that’s okay too. The important thing is to let the person lead, welcome, and consider all their emotions, and remember that there is no “normal” timetable for healing.

9. Check in regularly, even if you don’t hear back right away.

Because grief takes a toll on our bodies, minds, and spirits, most grieving people have limited ability to act. If you reach out and your loved one doesn’t respond, it doesn’t mean they’re rejecting you. Maybe they didn’t have the energy to reply.

Don’t give up; it’s good for them to know that others are ready. Check in regularly, depending on how close you are to the other person. But don’t ask for a call back. Let them know you’re thinking about them and that you’ll continue to check in if that’s okay.

10. Give people some space. Try not to take things personally.

Because grief can push us to the limits of “us,” people who are grieving often say and do things they wouldn’t otherwise do. It may hurt to hear someone you love give you a harsh word or get fired, but think about whether it’s simply because of their current situation. And if the person means it, remember that all relationships have dynamics.

If the issue is important, you can always address it in the future, after things have calmed down. This is the setting boundary line It is an important part of the healing process for both the griever and those supporting them.

11. Please give yourself some leeway.

It is not easy to be there for someone who is grieving. It’s not always possible to understand it correctly. You may end up sticking your foot in your mouth unintentionally. It happens. You also need to control your own emotions, including unpleasant ones, especially if you feel like your relationship is out of balance because you’re giving more than you’re getting.

It helps to learn how to stay within your “tolerance range” (DeMarco, 2024). Grounding and breathing exercises (DeMarco, 2020) are effective for this purpose. It also helps to accept that the relationship may be strained for a while. Leveraging other friends and communities will ensure that you are supported as you support others.