When memories collide | Psychology of today

In my practice, this is a sticking point that appears again and again when working with a couple of neural bodies. They recall the same experiences, such as dinner, spat, and vacation, with fundamentally different perspectives.

A neurotypical (NT) wife might say, “You didn’t even think about asking me what I wanted for dinner.”

My husband on the Autism Spectrum (ASD) said, “What? I thought I did and you said, ‘Get a salad’, so that’s what I did! “I answer.

NT’s wife said, “I didn’t want a salad. I wanted soup tonight. It’s very cold and warm.”

Is this exchange familiar to you? Does the husband tell the truth or is he his wife? Or did she actually say “soup” and he hears “salad”? For both of you, this confusing situation can feel a deliberate “crazy making” like you’re in the “Twilight Zone.” Even if she feels used to the idea that this type of thing happens frequently, she may still feel invalid and betrayed. Meanwhile, the husband may feel that his wife is trying to get him.

Why does this happen?
These types of exchanges are different in ASD-nt brains, especially how autism The NT brain then understands the elements of what’s going on around them and encodes memories related to a particular incident.

NT’s wife may see that all those around her save her husband with ASD and are very aware of the events as they do. But when it comes to their ASD husbands, they feel as if they were in the Twilight Zone. He appears to live in another reality, misunderstands what happened, attributes negativity to the incident, and then blames her for the conflict. He won’t get it! It seems everyone else understands her – except for her autistic husband.

But what appears to be NT’s wife rejection or Gas light Or the past rewrite may actually be an interpretation of the events of the ASD husband, as they believe it is true.

ASD husband feels the same way his NT wife does. It seems everyone understands him. Except for his wife. And he loves his wife. He feels he is doing everything with his power to make her happy. He works really hard to provide her and her children with a good life. He certainly does not make up the story by mistake, even though he is manipulative.

So why is this happening?

what Context blindness?
One reason for this contradiction Memory It is called blindness of context. This means that ASD husbands have difficulty understanding important contexts, such as intuition that comes with placing events, or intuition in the following context.

• season,
• Timing for dinner and lunch,
• General feelings about his wife’s girlfriend diet,
• How she prefers soup over salads/memory of time;
• When was she last had a salad?
• Or the context in which she likes certain foods…

Essentially, the type of information based on constantly learning and remembering details about your partner – that could naturally come to his NT wife.

When she asks all these questions about her husband’s food preferences, she has no problem knowing exactly what food to order from him. She will likely be able to rattle his seasons and lunch and dinner preferences for the past few days.

Rather, husbands with ASD can be pinned to one detail, such as the wife usually loves a certain type of salad, but do not retain other information that gives context to that preference. That details about the salad are the whole reason he ordered her salad and thought she said the salad. He had a bit of focus on this detail, so he put all the other information into the background.

Again, ASD partners were not based on their wife’s food order on a pie chart of information such as:

• Something she’s been eating recently, or what her meal has become like in the last few days
• Whether it’s lunch or dinner, or the kind of food she normally likes
• It’s the season and how it affects her food preferences
• Her general feelings about salads and soups in this particular environment
• Whether she actually said “salad” or was it assumed based on past actions?
• Maybe she was craving warmth and light, it was implicit
• Auditory processing issues that may have influenced her to hear what she actually said
• What was not directly mentioned as differences in language of expression
• Timing and context of conversation when food order is discussed

From this pie chart, you will then need to identify which parts are more relevant at the moment, explicitly ask what your wife wants for dinner, and make sure that the information has been sent out. However, you might think he asked her something because of his expressive language problems associated with autism, but he didn’t.

Different ways our brains store pie
NT’s wife expects her husband to redeem all slice/context information in the pie, and all slice/context information in the same way as her. But as mentioned before, autistic husbands tend to stick to one detail and follow the others.

He is excellent at certain details, and can focus on things one at a time, but he can’t hold onto the context of the big pictures and memories of his wife’s food preferences.

Or, the moment he tries to store more information about his wife’s food preferences, his brain may drop other related information that makes mistakes in other contexts related to their relationship. So, in a sense, he may not be wired to hold all the contextual information of the brain.

It’s sad for NT’s wife that her ASD partner doesn’t understand how to do something simple like ordering the right food at the right time. She might even know that it wasn’t a bad intention. But the truth is that she feels disappointed and lonely.

Elephants and blind people
Like the ancient parable of the blind and the elephant, each of the five men feels a different part of the elephant: the trunk, legs, and tail – and considers it to be the main part of it. But each of them only owns a single piece of a much larger image.

A husband with ASD may not be able to see the entire elephant. But if he understands this, he may not assert his point; apologize To her because she doesn’t know what she likes in the food order.