When “I’m sorry” isn’t enough: How couples can repair

What is more predictive of a couple’s relationship satisfaction than the amount of conflict? The relationship repair was successful. If couples can make effective repairs, they are much more likely to maintain long-term relationship satisfaction, even when conflict occurs.

many people believe this word “sorry” It’s the key to moving forward after relationship tension or conflict. However, it is different from simply providing a service. apology and repair the relationship.

apology

An apology is a way of expressing regret for a mistake or hurt. An apology might sound like this:sorry“I said it in a way that suggested that the person apologizing wants to move on quickly. As a couples therapist, I hear couples struggle to move on after a conflict. Even after apologizing, it’s often because the apology is just a version of that. Additional steps are needed for true relationship repair to occur.”

relationship repair

repair This goes beyond the basic apology described above. Successful relationship repair reduces tension, creates productive conversations, and helps couples move on from conflict. It requires: 1) take a perspective2) Be accountable, and 3) Commit to future change.

take a perspective It means making a real effort to “put yourself in your partner’s shoes” and see the situation from their perspective. It means slowing yourself down to understand what they’re saying, but it also means gaining a deeper understanding of why they feel the way they do. This also requires putting aside feelings of defensiveness and putting yourself in a position of curiosity. For example, try changing yourself from “.”My partner can’t feel this way because…“to”Why does my partner feel this way?”

be accountable It means accepting your role in what happened without getting defensive, making excuses, or blaming your partner. Being accountable does not inherently mean accepting all responsibility or that your hurt in the conflict doesn’t matter. Rather, it shows that you are capable and willing to see the impact you have. Taking the previous step (i.e., taking perspective) allows you to truly take responsibility and demonstrate understanding of the impact on your relationships.

Tapping into future change you have to ask yourself.What can I do next time to prevent this pattern from repeating?“Without this step, you and your partner may find yourself stuck in the same cycle of negative interactions over and over again. By committing to changing your future behavior, you break that cycle and turn your apology into a promise to repair and build a stronger relationship.”

So let’s summarize the three steps.

“I’m sorry for raising my voice when you asked me about my trip. I totally understand why it hurts your mood, even though you only brought it up because you were excited. I’m excited too and I can see why my reaction made you think I was different. So, once again, I am truly sorry. I I felt stressed I tried to end it all and took all my stress out on you, but it’s not fair. Next time, I’ll try to communicate my feelings better in advance so we can talk about it so it doesn’t stress you out.”

When both partners in a relationship learn how to engage in relationship repair, a mutual repair cycle is created in which both partners acknowledge their contributions to the conflict and commit to working together toward future growth.

Now that we’ve explained what a relational repair should include, let’s discuss what. do not have include. Below are some tips on what not to say when making repairs.

please don’t Then try repairing with “”.but”

• After trying to repairbut…‘ will be discounted. authenticity Everything that came before that. for example, “I know my tone hurt you, and I’m sorry…” You don’t even need to fill in the rest. The value of the original repair attempt is erased.

please don’t explain, defend, excuse

• Context and intent are important, but impact is even more important. If you explain your intentions and start making repairs, you’ll come off as defensive or sound like an excuse. This information is useful for sharing only after repairs have been made and accepted.

please don’t say “I’m sorry you feel that way”

• Of course you do too! The intent of the message here is generally a good one. You care about your partner and are sorry that your actions caused harm. However, the way this message is conveyed shows a lack of self-reflection. why Your partner feels hurt (i.e. your actions) and that I am sorry for these actions. say thatI’m sorry you feel that way” does not demonstrate the key elements of restoration: taking perspective, taking responsibility, and committing to future change.