When a simple request triggers a big response

When you have a child who refuses to take a “no” for answers, refuses to push back against any restrictions, and melts away in response to everyday demands like “brushing your teeth” or “cleaning your iPad,” it can be incredibly frustrating and tiring. It is the responsibility that makes it even more difficult. Family, friends, experts – even strangers in supermarkets – assume you’re at issue. But when you try to solidify, things just escalate. The explosions become bigger, the fights become more frequent, and sometimes just “holding the line” can cause a full-scale panic attack.

You start to wonder if it’s really your fault. After all, other people’s children don’t behave like this.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Traditional Child-raising For families dealing with this type of challenging behavior, in many cases, prior restrictions and punishment – advice that exacerbates the situation. Therefore, the concept of pathological demand avoidance (PDA) resonates very deeply with many parents, providing ways to come.

What is a PDA?

PDA supporters Described as an internal profile autism Spectrums that can cause intense daily rules, demands and expectations anxiety It can escalate into the body in children, sometimes Invasion Or you panic when your parents are sticking to their demands. What appears to be rebellion is often a desperate attempt by a child to cope with the overwhelming anxiety.

To explain how anxiety can cause behavior that appears to be rebellious, I often share stories from a trip I went to Paris shortly after university. I was with a friend who had an apartment with access to the roof. Everyone casually stepped out when they opened the door, but I froze. There was a small flat area with chairs, but there was no railing. To get to it, we had to walk five feet along the narrow ridge hat on the roof. My mind quickly slid down the steep metal roof, grabbed it in vain for my hand, and was filled with images of six stories of my death.

They urged me: “It’s okay!” “You’re fine!” “Look at the view!” But I refused to be upset. I wasn’t difficult – I was terrifying. If they had been insisting, I would have fought them – not because I didn’t trust them, but because I was overwhelmed by anxiety. It’s something that can feel like a child with a PDA who is even facing normal demand.

Prioritizing anxiety management over compliance

PDA clinicians argue that company restrictions and punishments do not work because they aim to obtain compliance. They are not dealing with the anxiety that is causing the violation. Instead, PDA clinicians suggest an approach that prioritizes parents reducing child anxiety by modifying their requests. To the extreme, it is an approach known as “low-demand parenting.”

Strategies to deal with demand avoidance

Provides real options

Give your child a real choice of how, when and where something happens. “Want to eat at the table with the rest of you, or take your plate to your room?”

Compromise and negotiation

Be flexible in responding to demand. “You don’t need to eat the meals I made. How about making pasta instead?”

Drop request

It may be better to completely lower your expectations. “It looks like you’re not ready to eat right now. That’s fine. I’ll leave your food behind in case you get hungry later.”

Using Dr. Ross Green’s Joint and Proactive Solutions (CPS)

Although not specifically designed for PDAs, CPS is adopted by many practitioners working with children in demand avoidance. CPS invites children into the problem-solving process. It starts with empathy Listen: “I realized that eating at the table is really difficult, what’s wrong?” This is followed by a joint brainstorming.

Important considerations

This framework has been a lifeline for many, but it is also important to look at its limitations and current scientific status.

Above Social MediaPDA influencers often speak as if it were the established fact that individuals with PDA profiles are fundamentally different. Nervous system and “the enduring willingness to autonomy.” While these perspectives can be useful for many families, it is important to distinguish between living experiences and established scientific consensus. At this time, peer-reviewed research on PDAs remains limited. PDA is best understood as an explanation of patterns of behavior. This is not a confirmed neurobiological subtype or a formally recognized diagnostic category.

Conceptually, PDA also risks oversimplifying demand avoidance. Challenging behaviour is complicated. Children’s neurobiology, mood, temperament, Executive Featuresfamily dynamics, and school environment all play a role in shaping how they respond to expectations. To fully understand the roots of individual children’s demand avoidance behavior, it must be examined from multiple angles. There is no description for all sizes.

Reducing demand is only half of the equation. Common sense, and the work of developmental psychologist Lev Vygotsky, requires optimal development when children are supported to work beyond their current abilities, namely, not a challenge enough to grow, but not often overwhelmed or failed.

Children who show this pattern live in a world filled with rules, expectations and demands. Therefore, it is important to pair your reduced demands with plans to actively teach your child the skills they need to deal with life challenges.

Next Steps

If this conversation about demand avoidance resonates with you and you are looking for practical ways to reduce conflict while helping your child build skills to manage daily demands, here are some steps adapted from my book Challenging Boys: A proven plan to keep you cool and help your son thrive:

• Start the journal Tracking demand for which type of persons tends to cause meltdowns and avoidance in children.
• Find ways to reduce or change demand– Create fewer triggers, or drop them entirely temporarily.
• Identify the skill Your child needs to develop a plan that will better handle these requests and teach those skills gradually and supportively.
• Seek professional support as needed. Therapists using collaborative and proactive solutions are especially useful.
• Take advantage of communities and resources. Find an organization in your local area that guides, encourages you, and provides educational materials, workshops and online groups.

And most importantly:
If your child is struggling with demand avoidance, know this. You are not alone, you are not responsible, and things can get better. As Stanley Greenspan, a child psychiatrist, said, “You’re not the cause, but you can be the solution.”

With a plan that combines patience, compassion, and decline demand with educational skills, you can help your child face more life challenges Confidence– and much less resistance.

To find a therapist Visit Psychology Today Therapy Directory.