Two small words can make a big difference in a relationship

People do things that inspire us, upset us, irritate us, irritate us, or impose requests that feel excessive or unreasonable. When conflict burns, they can lead to intense debates, hurt wounds and damaged relationships.

Taking lessons from stoic philosophers in ancient Greece and Roman, we can distinguish between what we can control and what we cannot. There are many applications for this saying. For example, you realize you can’t control everything that happens in your life, but you can control how you respond to things. Our focus here lies on another aspect of this education. You can’t control what others say or do, but you can control how you react to them.

Even Marcus Aurelius, a stoic philosopher of the second century, who was the Roman emperor, realized he had no control over others. He realized that despite the fact that he is the most powerful ruler in the world, we all need to be aware of our limitations.

“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself. The people I deal with today are interfering, ungrateful, rog-aggravated, dishonest, Jealousand surly. They are like this because they cannot convey good from evil. . . You can hold your breath until it turns blue, but they still keep doing it. ”

So, we should not be surprised when others do not live up to our expectations. Others have their needs, desires, perspectives and opinions. They do not live in a trajectory that circulates our needs and desires. Again from Marcus:

“When someone acts badly towards you, remember that he does that way, as he thinks it is right. He cannot act according to your judgment, but only according to him.”

So, when people feel and do what we do, what can we do? You can either let our emotions determine the response or try another approach based on using two simple words (yes, but).

“Yes, but” approach

The “yes, but” approach is a two-part self-assertion. First, there is the “yes” part, the recognition and verification of other people’s desires, needs and emotions. Then “but” comes the expression of your own desires, needs and emotions.

Many people struggle to communicate their needs in a way that doesn’t make others feel defensive. They stand up to their “but” list. It means many reasons why others feel irrational or why they cannot do what others want or want. When differences of opinion emerge, they try to convey their point, perhaps trying to raise their voices, speak in a harsh or harsh tone, or adopt a negative attitude. Before they know it, the couple may become immersed in a heated discussion and may not even remember what the discussion is later.

Essentially, it’s not about opposing each other, but how that disagreement is expressed, especially when others feel that they don’t respect them or that they don’t validate their feelings. What do you think will happen when one person talks about another, looks past them, or ignores, minimizes or rejects what others are asking or saying?

The important thing here is to acknowledge and verify the feelings of others, the “yes” part of the process. It’s about feeling like listening to others, even when you don’t agree with what they’re saying or asking. Let’s break it down into three basic steps.

1. Pause

Please stop. Please take a moment before responding. When someone says something you think is upset, they suppress your impulses and say the first thing that transcends your heart. Your mind is pre-programmed by the power of habit to respond with negative reactions that you may encounter sharp or pointy, making others feel unheard or rejected.

2. It will reflect

Think before you respond. Do not snap. One of my patients reported that while he was working from home he felt irritated and irritated whenever his wife interrupted him on an urgent request. He felt that her requests were trivial in relation to the importance of his work and did not guarantee an interruption.

But his response, “Don’t you know I’m working?”, was negative and rude, and it caused tension in their relationship, which lasted all day, and sometimes for the next few days. So he agreed to pause and reflect, realizing that what matters to his wife might not be important to him, but he could still be recognized and respected.

It’s not just saying “yes,” then starting “but.” “Yes,” says “Yes, I know that it’s important. …I’m listening to what you’re saying.”

3. I’ll respond

The husband in the example of the case took a little time, and replied, “Yes, I understand what you’re saying. I want to help. But can I wait until I finish work later? Using words to this effect, the client reported that his wife expressed understanding and agreed that the request could wait.

Using the “yes, but” approach, you first examine the feelings and needs of others, but express your needs in a constructive way. Setting a specific time focusing on other people’s requests shows you not only brushing it but being serious. But make sure you follow up when the time comes.

“Yes, but.” Two simple words that can make a big difference.

General Disclaimer: Content here and other blog posts about Munise therapists are for informational purposes only and not for the diagnosis, evaluation or treatment of mental disorders. If you are concerned about your emotional well-being or are experiencing significant mental health issues, we recommend consulting with a licensed mental health professional in your area for a thorough assessment.

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(c) 2025 Jeffrey S. Nevid