Two signs you are not speaking your partner’s love language

Love doesn’t always land the way we intended. This is a common pattern for couples who care deeply about each other but feel emotionally synchronized. The perpetrators are not usually speaking each other’s love language. At least it’s not fluent. We often do our best we can, but that doesn’t always mean that we love our partners in the way they need them most.

Gary Chapman’s popular “love language” offers five common ways people tend to give or receive love.

Here are two subtle indications that you may be missing the mark in your partner’s love language, and how Understand these signs It helps to build more emotionally regulated relationships.

1. You’re wrong in their love language

It is a common human tendency to love others in the way we want to be loved. If you feel that affirmative words are appreciated by you, you may assume that offering kind and positive words means the same thing for your partner. But love is not all-purpose.

2022 study Published in PLOS 1 It provides compelling evidence that matching the way you express love and how your partner likes to receive it is key to a satisfying relationship. The researchers studied 100 heterosexual couples and assessed the consistency between each person’s preferences and the language of love they received.

The findings were clear. Partners who expressed love in a way that suited their partner’s preferences report a higher level of relationship, sexual satisfaction. In contrast, when there was a “love language inconsistency” – satisfaction was significantly reduced when one partner expressed love in a way that the other partners mostly did not like.

Our efforts can be lost in translation when we don’t really understand how our partners want to receive love. Even if you are generously giving love, your partner may not be emotionally nourished if they are not in the language they “speak.” You say (I love you) and long for words of affirmation and physical intimacy through acts of service (e.g. performing errands, fixing the sink, etc.).

Interestingly, this study also found that empathy did not necessarily help couples match their love language. You might expect it to have more empathy Easily adapting to match the emotional needs of a partner, researchers have found only a small connection between tuning the language of empathy and love.

This suggests that matching love languages ​​is not necessarily about being emotionally intuitive, but a skill that can be learned and practiced. Think of learning new dialects for better communication. It may not come naturally at first, but intentionally, you could be fluent.

To do so, ask your partner directly: “Why do you feel loved by me the most?” If you don’t know, explore five love languages ​​together, take a quiz and look back at past moments where they felt they had taken great care. Remember that most people enjoy five forms of love to some extent. However, we tend to rate one or two each the most.

2. You are struggling with consistency

You may feel that your partner’s love language has been glued to you. But then life got busy. Perhaps the sweet gestures and meaningful times together slowly faded.

This is the second important indication that you are not really speaking your partner’s love language, and not speaking consistently.

new study It was released in January this year Family Journal It highlights the role of intentionality and consistency in truly meeting the partner’s love language needs. Interviews with university students Romantic Relationshipresearchers have discovered that the most important thing is not necessarily the type of love language used, but how it was intentionally and consistently practiced.

Telling your partner “I Love You” once a month doesn’t have the same emotional weight as regularly affirming in a small and meaningful way. It may be sweet to bring home a surprise gift from the blue, but if your partner’s love language is quality time and you haven’t shared a meal in a few weeks, they may still feel disconnected.

Intentionality shows commitment and attention, creating a sense of trust in which you track your promises. It tells your partner:

We often think that we can ‘check the box’ about love, but the language of love is not a to-do list. They are ongoing practice. Just like watering the plants, you don’t do it once, and expect it to flourish forever. Love requires regular trends. Start small and show your love in a way that is not only consistent with their needs, but also guaranteed to be provided.

This study also highlights important distinctions. LoveFanguages ​​offers useful vocabulary, but essentially does not create emotional connections. It is a deliberate practice of showing love, such as fostering intimacy, daily choices, consistent presence, and coordinated behavior.

If your partner’s love language is quality time, it’s not just about planning your occasional weekend getaway. It may mean cleaning up your phone every night at dinner, or it may mean doing a 15-minute sculpture Really Talk – Without distraction. If they are craving positive words, leave a sticky note in the bathroom mirror or send an encouraging text while you’re at work.

Of course, it is also important that your partner endures you in the process, knowing that no matter how much you are still learning, you are going to make them feel loved. As researchers explain, “The existence of intentionality within the consistent practice of love language causes ideology to promote positive interactions and growth in relations.”

To make your partner love, you don’t have to be perfect to understand the language of love. The most important thing is effort. I am willing to continue learning, adjusting and working hard. Whether you’ve been together for five months or 50 years, it’s never too late to ask, “Do I love you the way you need?”

A version of this post is also available on Forbes.com.