The true secret of self-control (it’s not willpower)

I was thinking of starting this post by asking me to queue up my 1980s Laura Brannigan hit “Self Control.” self control You will not lose your mind in the middle of the night.

Self-control is not a way of making your paths all throughout your life. It’s about small, intentional choices that allow you to make it easier to continue to match your values, especially when things get messy.

We all slip. Whether it’s a stressful tip at 10pm, or fire that email you don’t want to be, or skip training for three days in a row, these moments don’t define you. But how can you bounce back?

And here is the truth backed by science: self-control is not what you have or not. It’s like muscles. It can be strengthened over time.

Research shows that higher self-control is associated with better relationships, improved job success and increased life satisfaction. But that doesn’t mean strict routines or monk-like discipline. In many cases, the best strategy is the most viable strategy.

Amazingly Easy Way to Building Control Muscles

1. Anchor yourself with “Always rules”

Creating non-negotiable routines for tricky moments saves WillPower.
example: Busy mom Emily realizes that nighttime fate habits are destroying her sleep. Her new “always rules”? Call the charger across the room by 9pm, like brushing your teeth. This is part of the routine.

2. Don’t fight temptation – avoid it

I can’t see teeth I don’t care.
example: Sarah continued to grab the candy from her desk while she was working from home. So she moved it to the top shelf of the pantry. result? The craving was cut in half.

3. Try the movements surrounding discomfort

So does impulsivity when your emotions surge. Moving your body will help regulate your mind.
example: 10-year-old Jake was about to explode after losing a video game. His dad invited him on a quick walk. That reset helped him to calmly control and come back.

4. Big big the goal For a small victory

The bigger the task, the more it shakes our willpower.
example: Brian wanted to write a book, but he had to postpone it for several months. Instead of aiming for chapters, he began writing for 10 minutes every day. Small goals, big advances.

5. Practice MicroMindfulness

Even a 60-second mindfulness can help you stop, breathe and make better choices. Even simple mindfulness practices significantly reduce impulsive behavior.
example: Ana pauses to take a deep breath before replying It’s stressful Email. That short pause? Game changer.

Self-control is a skill, not a judgement

You don’t have to be perfect – you need to be intentional. And when you slip (because you do), it’s not a failure. That’s feedback. Then you learn. Adjust. Please try again. It’s absolute control.

Do you want to help your child build self-control too?

Many of these strategies are useful for children and teens, especially when modeled with patience. In my book anxiety, depression & anger Toolbox for teensI walk young people with important skills such as: Emotional regulation Problem solved. This is the foundation of lifelong self-control.

Below, let’s end with a few more self-control (non-willpower) strategies. Remember that self-control is not perfect. I’ve said it before – the only perfect people are in the cemetery. Rather, self-control is a set of practices that are perfect for you. So check out these additional items below.

Bonus Tips: Boost your self-control today

• Use the “if-then” plan. If you are seduced by a snack, first drink a glass of water.
• Keeping temptation inconvenient: Treat spots that are difficult to reach, or create a “pause before purchase” rule.
• Sleep and self-control go hand in hand: Fatigue weakens willpower. Rest is part of the strategy.
• Celebrating a small victory: Willpower grows with aggressive strengthening Guilt.