Seven phrases that will quietly reveal your adult child’s pain

As a coach working with parents of adult children, I often hear the confusion of grief:

“She won’t let me in.”
“He keeps saying he’s fine, but something’s off.”
“When I try to help, she pushes me away.”

Many painful adult children have not said that they came out, “I’m struggling.” Instead, they drop subtle emotional crumbs. These seven phrases are much more obvious than they appear.

1. “I’m always tired.”

This is not always about sleep. Chronic emotional fatigue often sounds like physical fatigue. depression, anxiety, Burnout syndromeor even trauma You can hide behind this line.

2. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

It’s easy to hear this as evasion or rebellion. But more often, fear Shields against misunderstandings or open vulnerabilities.

3. “I’m just trying to spend the day.”

This is sentence survival mode. Often, they are overwhelmed, uneasy or hopeless. Your child may feel quietly owned.

4. “I feel like I’m late.”

This self-judgment reveals a deep inside shame. Many young adults feel that they are failing due to invisible unfair standards regarding their career, relationships, or life milestones.

5. “You probably don’t understand.”

It hurts to listen, but that’s not necessarily a rejection. It is often a defense rooted in judgment and fear of past pain. They may desperately want to be understood, but feel like they don’t know how to let you go.

6. “What’s the point?”

This phrase is a red flag for despair. It shows that your adult child may question his or her intention to continue. I think you need to listen with great care.

7. “I’m fine.” (especially if delivered too fast or flat)

As explained in my book, 10 days for a rebellious childthis classic brush off is emotional armor. When it is overused, it often means “I am not safe enough to tell you the truth now.”

Actual example (name changed)

Lucas, 25“I’m just trying to spend the day.” His parents thought he was adjusting to his new job. in Treatmenthe has a panic attack and admits he is secretly drinking and dealing with it.

Maria, 29always said, “I don’t want to talk about it.” It wasn’t until her mom gently said, “You don’t need to say anything, but I want you to know I’ll see you.”

What parents can do

• Listen below the surface. These phrases are clues. pay Note Tone, timing, repetition.
• Examining their experience. Instead of providing a solution, “It sounds hard. I’m here if you want to talk.”
• Personally, you should not take it. Emotional pain often causes people to retract not for you but because they are overwhelmed.
• Provides stable support. Simple, repeating messages like “I love you no matter what” can slowly break through.
• Model Openness. Sharing your questions and feelings can invite more honest invitations from them.

Final Thoughts

Your adult child may not say “help me.” But if you learn to listen to their words, you can become a safe port that they didn’t know they needed.