Reality bites: face the finality of loss

On a hot summer day many years ago, my ex-wife Carin and I took our kids to Sesame Place, a water theme park outside of Philadelphia. I remember doing a big bird water slide with my young son Zack, who was still in the diaper. We had to wait on a long meandering line as we headed to the top of the slide.

When we finally got there, we were both very excited and Zack was squeezing my hands tightly. A few big kids were shaking each other in front of us, but suddenly I couldn’t feel Zack’s hand anymore. I looked down and he was gone.

I started right away panic. He was invisible nowhere, and was enveloping me. I remember thinking – a small moment –What if someone snatched him and I lost him foreverand Oh my god, oh my god, Zack! My heart was pounding hard until I saw him sitting behind one of the bigger kids just a few feet away.

The whole thing couldn’t last more than a minute, but it felt like Zack, especially for the rest of my life. This big bird trauma I left that mark on me – the day Rob died, along with his vengeance.

I know you know how you feel. You also know that you will never lose someone once. You lose them every day. When you wake up, it all feels like a terrible dream. Like it never happened. That’s the worst time. I remember thinking, Why did Rob die? Just as he was pulling Andy Kaufmann at the elaborate prank.

The whole thing is surreal, there is no sense of time, and there is no meaning. When you lose a child, Your world is Suddenly I can’t understand. You are in a changed state, drifting into unknown oceans. You are crushed, paralyzed, shocked. You are in a fog of unstable mistress.

Then the mist is lifted up little by little, everything becomes very clear, very sharp, very painful, very realistic –Your child is dead. that’s it. The end of the story. Real bites.

Accept the reality of your losses It’s one of sorrowThe biggest hits – and those hits keep coming. Of course, your head knows that your child is gone, but your heart must endure the pain of all the blows.

If there’s good news here, it’s this: whenever you feel pain, it’s an inevitable reminder that you are very living in the real world and manage your grief as much as you can.

*

There was nothing more painfully realistic than seeing Rob’s death recorded on paper. I was particularly mad at the day his death certificate arrived. It all made it feel so lasting. It was much easier Get lost with melancholy memories and photos of Rob Instead of facing all the tough finality.

I remember thinking, “Are you supposed to hang this on the wall like a diploma of sorts? Like a college graduate for parents who have lost their children.” I don’t want to see the stickers behind the car window.

It was a very official look document, with an adjoining old-fashioned blue wavy adjacent to the edge that was supposed to make you feel all serious: This means business, we’re not fooled around here. All related details were included – including name, date of birth, date of death and time, occupation and address.

Below that information is where we entered. First there was what was called an “informer.” My name was entered in every cap, followed by a comma and the word “father.” Karin and I were listed under “parents.”

After that, I relived the fun parts: the cause of death and the cause of death. It was like playing a clue game: It was Colonel Mustard in his research with Revolver. Rob would not have been kindly taking it to be Colonel Mustard and never died in the study.

There were several other fragments of the funeral facility and where he was buried, and X appeared in a small box next to the word “.” on a line dedicated to “How to Death.”suicide. ”

This may be obvious, but I’ll say it anyway: there aren’t many creatures in the certificate of death.

After reading this fragment of crap report many times, I’m still desperate to connect the dots. So many questions continued to swirl In my head I tortured it with endless theories and scenarios of who did what to who, and I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. He couldn’t get Rob back.