Moves beyond “right” and “wrong” in a relationship

The impact of Terry Real in the world of couples Treatment It’s hard to exaggerate. A bestselling author, well-known social worker and respected clinician, Real is known for mixing emotional depth and transparent eye pragmatism. He tells the truth, but always considerate.

The beginning of COVID-19 (COVID-19) The pandemic, Real hosted a virtual gathering for fellow therapists. His message – that we can adapt our clinical skills to meet the challenges of remote work – was both comfort and vitality. That moment was with me and I remembered it again when I had the opportunity to interview him last fall, coinciding with his groundbreaking book paperback release Us: I will pass you and me and build a more loving relationship.

“Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares?”

One of the most famous mantras in the real world –“Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares?”– Capture the spirit of his approach to relationships. Instead of focusing on criticism and control, he encourages couples to adopt a joint, emotionally accountable mindset. As a clinician, this perspective resonates deeply. I often recommend that couples think about it, “The best way to win a debate is to lose it.” In other words, chasing “correctness” simply creates disconnects. there is no Intimate If that comes at the expense of emotional safety, then it’s a victory.

Terry Real’s language is more elegant than mine, but the point is the same. Even one partner is willing to accept helping to open the door to healing, even if they only own 10%. Below are some takeaways from our conversation. here.

General conflict – an emotionally mature path to advance

Let’s say Jane is hurt because Jack rarely makes plans and he didn’t plan anything for her birthday. She previously stated that sometimes thoughtful gestures mean a lot. Jack, meanwhile, feels discouraged. When he tried to plan something, she didn’t seem to enjoy it. Jack’s takeout? “Why is it all going to be bothered when it doesn’t get any better enough?” This couple can easily get caught up in defensive power. But when Jane said, “When my expectations are high, I realized that it was a lot of pressure. I’m going to work on thanking anything you come up with.” Such a vulnerability can instantly change dynamic. Now Jack said, “I know I’m not good at planning, but I should have put more effort into your birthday. Sorry.” Neither partner is “right” but they are both on the same side and are working together to fix it.

Adaptive children and wise adults

Real also explores wounds from unsolved wounds Childhood It appears in adult relationships. When we are triggered, we often go back to what he calls an adaptive child. This is part of us who developed coping strategies early in our lives. These adaptations helped us survive, but rarely support healthy, mature communications today. As Real sees, the clinical task is what our adaptive child realizes as they take over, and invites our wise adult self to reenter the conversation. This version of ours can listen and be held responsible without defense shameand continues to commit to the connection on control.

From power struggles to partnerships

Something powerful happens when a couple stops fighting “right” and instead works towards repairs. They stop acting as enemies and begin to appear as ally. They learn that accountability is not the same as responsibility. And vulnerability is not a weakness, but a doorway to intimacy.

Transformational resources for couples and clinicians

For couples who feel stuck and for the clinicians who support them –We A valuable and inspiring guide. Realistic, caring, nonsense wisdom I continue to enrich my own understanding of my clinical research and what it means to love well. That was an honor Talk to Terry Real And I’m still thank you For his contribution to the evolving conversations about emotional responsibility, partnerships and healing in relationships.

(You can also get the podcast and listen to the conversation by downloading Social Work Talk Episode 120.)