Kind words, strange feelings: The psychology of compliments

As for my new book, Don’t be boring: Don’t do everything, do what matters.debuted, and praise began to arrive one after another. inner critic I sat quietly in my chair and muttered this.Let’s not get carried away. ”

Even though it hit #1 on Amazon’s new book rankings, my brain was able to discount all the kind words that came my way. For example, “I couldn’t stop it,” one person said, but my brain, always ready to ruin the moment, whispered, “I couldn’t stop it.”they are just kind.Another reader said to me, “Your writing is so powerful,” and all I could think was, “Your writing is so powerful.”They probably don’t want to hurt my feelings. ” When someone shares, “This book really inspired me,” my inner critic says, “This book really inspired me.”Well, at least it wasn’t terrible.” Even the enthusiasm made me think, “I can’t wait to share this with my friends.”They’re just trying to be polite. ”

No matter how kind and sincere the feedback was, my inner dialogue seemed determined to find a way to ignore it. It was as if I was allergic to compliments and was constantly belittling what I had worked so hard to create. After all, i’m not alone Like this.

Why do I get irritated when I hear compliments?

For many people, compliments are paradoxically both uplifting and calming. Kind words about our accomplishments, talents, or even appearance can feel unfair or insincere. This discomfort often stems from deep-seated insecurities and the nagging voice of impostor-like emotion that makes us believe we are not as capable or worthy as others perceive us to be.

Psychologists believe that the cause of this discomfort is as follows: cognitive dissonance—The mental tension that occurs when our self-perceptions don’t match how others see us. If you’re your own worst critic, hearing “You’re great at this” may make you feel uncomfortable. That’s because it contradicts the story in your head, which goes like this: “It could have been done better.”

This conflict often leads to appropriate responses such as deflection (“Oh, it wasn’t that big of a deal”) or dismissal (“They didn’t mean it”). While these reactions may alleviate initial anxiety, they also prevent you from fully accepting the positive impact of kind words.

According to research This conflict is especially noticeable among women, They are often humble and socialized to be outwardly focused on others. So a compliment can feel like a spotlight that reveals imagined flaws. add pressure perfectionismand even a well-meaning “You’re amazing!” It may feel like a reminder of our perceived shortcomings.

Why it’s important to learn to accept compliments

Accepting compliments is not just about increasing self-esteem, it is about fostering connection (Fredrickson, 2009). Compliments are small acts of kindness that say, “I understand.” I value you. ” By ignoring them, we inadvertently ignore the thoughtfulness and vulnerability of the giver. Additionally, learning to accept praise can help rewrite internal scripts of self-doubt. As you practice accepting positive feedback, you’ll be able to affirm not only your worth but also the relationships that add richness to your life.

How to receive compliments well

If you cringe when you hear a compliment, remember you’re not alone. But there’s good news. You can train yourself to accept compliments with grace. Here are three practical strategies.

1. Say “thank you” and pause.: The easiest way to respond to a compliment is to respond with sincerity. thanks. A heartfelt “thank you” shows that you value your kind words, without deflecting or belittling them. Resist the urge to explain or downplay and just let the compliment pass.

example:
Compliment: “You did a great job on this project.”
Response: “Thank you! That means a lot to me.”

2. Resist the deflection trap

It’s tempting to vary your compliment with phrases like, “Oh, that wasn’t a big deal,” or “That was really a team effort.” Although these responses may seem subtle, they can unintentionally diminish the compliment and make the giver feel disrespected. Instead, try owning your contribution.

example:
Compliment: “Your presentation was very appropriate.”
Deflection: “Oh, I just got lucky with the timing of this topic.”
Better response: “Thank you!” I’m glad you found it valuable. ”

3. Turn around and let it sink in.

Compliments are often temporary, but they can be made to last. Take time to reflect on your kind words and let them stick in your heart. Writing down compliments can also be helpful. Writing a “compliment diary” can help you remember your strengths on difficult days.

example:
Compliment: “Your advice was really helpful.”
Reflection: Remember this later. “My perspective made a difference.”

Reframe compliments as gifts of connection

One way to change your mindset is to see compliments as gifts. When someone says kind words to you, they are sharing a positive experience with you. Accepting a compliment honestly is the same as saying, “Thank you for this gift. I will treasure it.” This reframing will help you stop seeing compliments as judgments about your worth and start seeing compliments as bridges of connection. Next time someone says a kind word to you, try to accept it, not only for your own benefit, but also for the connection it creates. Compliments remind us that our actions and presence are meaningful to others and can foster a sense of mutual appreciation and understanding.

For me, this change is still a work in progress. When someone says, “Your book really resonated with me,” my inner critic might still whisper, “They’re just being polite.” But I try to quiet that voice and instead say, “Thank you, that means so much to me.”

Embracing kindness may feel awkward or even unnatural at times, but it is an opportunity for growth. When we allow compliments to penetrate our hearts, we not only recognize our own worth, but also respect the person who complimented us. Doing so creates space for deeper connections, greater joy, and more. confidence— not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us.