It was not love that protected you: it was this

Delete the text. Also.

It wasn’t the first cruel message or the worst. But this is, “You’re lucky enough to deal with you, too” – refused to be quiet at night and stayed with you longer than you would admit.

Play good moments like reels. The way they held your face when you cried. Inner joke. Three AM lectures that made you feel known. You tell yourself it’s complicated. You don’t have a clean answer – just the knot of your stomach and the heart full of doubt.

So why do smart, self-aware people stay in a slow, undoing relationship? That’s not because they’re short. Willpower“I don’t know much” or don’t enjoy the pain.

In many cases, love does not protect us, and is not a false concept of love, fear Being unloved or cognitive bias It is known as a sinking cost error.

Confusing strength and love

Some relationships are burning hot. An explosive discussion. Tear-filled reconciliation. envy I disguised care. It feels like everything is on the rise – urgent, dramatic, impossible to quit.

Why do you do that Does this feel like love?

Often, it is because of our internalized concept of how love should feel.

Many of us grew up immersed in love with epic gestures, emotional whiplash and cultural stories that overcome suffering. Popular media sells love stories built on aspiration, confusion and uncertainty. With these scripts, if it’s not hurt, it should not be real.

But it’s here. Intensity and drama in relationships almost always imply dysfunction. Healthy love is boring –boringHira. It’s stable. safety. It’s quiet and safe.

Unfinished Childhood Business

Misunderstanding the euphoric height cycle and the low cycle that you grind for love can also be rooted in your nurturing. if You grew up in chaos,Unless love is fierce, dangerous and unstable, it may not “feel” like love. You may unconsciously recreate patterns from your early life in your adult relationship.

If you have a parent that is emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or prone to explosion angeryou may be attracted to a partner who evokes the same dynamics. This emotion comes from your current relationship that matches your image Unconscious heart What should the relationship be like?.

You may even feel like you are “fixing” a relationship as a way to resolve something you couldn’t fix. Childhood. But repetition is not a solution. That’s a reproduction.

Abuse and intermittent reinforcement

Not all harmful relationships are explosive. Some follow a more insidious rhythm: Warmth followed by silence. I regret it following the cruelty. The affection fell like breadcrumbs as you were about to leave.

That rhythm is not without results. It is psychologically binding.

In behavioral psychology, intermittent reinforcement refers to the unpredictable and inconsistent delivery of rewards. Rats push the lever longer and stronger when rewards are random and uncertain. why? Because unpredictable and unguaranteed rewards become more powerful Dopamine Surges – Brain chemicals linked to craving motivation.

Humans aren’t that different.

When your partner vibrates predictively between warmth and cruelty, or love and silence, this effectively functions as an intermittent reinforcement, and you can Emotional abuse and neglect Predicting the reward.

Even if your partner is not consciously manipulating you, the highs that follow the valley of wounds will continue to piece together.

The fear of not being loved

Sometimes it’s not love that keeps us in a destructive relationship. It’s fearful to be alone. The fear of this nature may be rooted Adolescent lonelinessthe cause of a decline in self-worth.

In your case Self-esteem It has been eroded over time. Your fear that no one can feel you particularly paralyzed. You may start to believe the little voice in your head that says, “This is the best thing I can get” or “This is everything I deserve.”

But here is the truth: that voice is not a voice of love. It’s the voice of someone from your past. The voice is I’m lying To manipulate you.

But even if you’re alone for a while, being alone is not worse than being with someone who consistently feels unloved. Loneliness is not the enemy. Chronic self-doubt.

A mismatched cost

Even if you know that relationships are bad for you, another thought creeps up: But I put a lot in this. Late night. A difficult conversation. Second chance. year.

Leaving can feel like you abandoning a house you built with your bare hands, even if it’s slowly falling apart.

in Behavioral Economicsthis is known as: A misleading cost– Cognitive bias that leads us to continue investing in something just because we already have a lot of investment, whether it’s a failed business, an inadequate project, or a relationship beyond its scope.

We are victims of this mistake because we are reluctant to waste precious or rare resources (time, money, effort, feelings). This disgust is generally advantageous, but it is at a disadvantage when it drives us to continue investing in what we already have in many.

Continuing a failed relationship will not recover what we have already lost. It only drains more of our valuable resources.

So, what can you do?

This is what you don’t need to do today: Make an epic exit. Cover your life overnight. I’ll erase everything Memory. Instead, start small:

• Acknowledge that the relationship is hurting you.
• Stop making fun times romantic.
• After spending time with them every day, write down how you feel.
• Reach out to someone who reminds you who you were before this relationship.
• Talk to a therapist who can help you understand emotional power while playing.

You don’t have to hate anyone to leave them. You don’t need to understand it all. You must stop abandoning yourself in the name of love. Treat yourself with the compassion you continue to give to someone else you don’t deserve.