I blamed my ex-husband, but old letters told a different story.

my first marriagewhen he was in his 20s, it wasn’t perfect for the funny and handsome lawyer. My ex-boyfriend made big decisions without telling me, took a job in a city I hated, and planned vacations to the beach and mountains when I wanted to visit a city. did. And to make matters worse, he planned a trip with friends and not just us. I was angry that he preferred to spend his limited free time with his best friends and nearby parents and sister instead of with me. It made me feel closed off and unimportant.

we stayed together until he started talking cheating to me and divorceand the marriage ended. I was very sad. His father came over to see if I had any money. His mother called me to remind me that she was always there for the ladies no matter what. Even this friend, who I hated so much, called me and said she knew I was hurting. But at the time, I felt more outraged. If this friend cares so much, why has he never been friendly to me? If his parents cared so much about me, why did his mother keep criticizing the clothes I wore and how I didn’t look like the wife of an upcoming lawyer?My ex I even felt shut out by his sister because he always goes to see her first before coming home to me.

I wrote essays that demonized my ex-husband and refused to talk to him until I fell in love with someone else and wanted to marry him. However, my ex-husband took his time signing the divorce papers, and my fiancé collapsed and died of a heart attack in my arms. . I was depressed, blaming everyone, especially my ex-boyfriend, and wishing we could have gotten married if he had signed the papers sooner. And I called him and yelled at him.

To my surprise, he flew into the city and got me a hotel room so I didn’t have to stay in the place I shared with my fiance. I had nothing boundary line I couldn’t do it anymore, so I cried and talked about it, and then my ex-boyfriend did something amazing. he asked. He made sure I was okay for months. I began to realize that instead of demonizing him as my ex-husband from hell, I saw him as an angel of sorts.

Fast forward 30 years, I was long married to a wonderful new husband, had a wonderful son, and lived in a city I admired, but they changed me. treatment And from experience, I was organizing my files.

Part of the letter that made me reconsider my past.

Source: Caroline Leavitt

To my surprise, I found and read a handwritten letter from my ex-boyfriend. All my thoughts and memories about my ex have changed.

I know you hated living in my hometown. And it showed. I know you hated my only friend. I showed that too. And you were so rude to my parents that I was very hurt. And I felt your contempt every day. Why were you silent? Are you that secretive? Why couldn’t we talk about having children? Why couldn’t you believe me?

There was pain in each word. And this time, I realized it. why had Was I that silent? Why didn’t I tell him that I didn’t want to live in his hometown, that I felt like an outsider? Why did I behave like that at that time? I was sure it was his fault.

Re-reading the letter, I realized with shock that the person he was describing no longer resembled me. I have changed (thank you, cognitive therapy!). I have now opened up and told everyone I care about everything. And now I understand why I had to change. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. There, the only way to avoid being yelled at, hit, or ignored was to stay silent and suppress your anger. The way I protected my fragile self was by being moody and rude, making myself untouchable. Yes, my ex shouldn’t have cheated, but I was also responsible for the pain. I had I hated his parents, sister, and best friend. Because I knew they were getting parts of him that I had been denying, and I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed. like in my case childhoodI had to try not to pick myself apart. shame and sorrowAnd I knew there was strength and security within me anger. And if I couldn’t love and trust my ex, how could I love the baby he wanted?

What if I could ask for what I needed and ask him for what he needed? New memories came flooding in. How kind my ex-boyfriend’s father was to me when he came to my house. His mother told me that she was definitely on my side. And that his friend, who I hated so much, called me a few weeks after our first call. I stayed in touch with all of them and they all opened their hearts to the one thing they wanted to share with me: love.

So I did something that I would never have done in the past. I wrote a letter to my ex-husband and apologized. My old ex never would have reacted — and he still doesn’t, but now he realizes it wasn’t him who has to deal with all of this, so that’s okay. No problem. That was me. Then I went to my husband’s office, kissed him, told him how lucky I was, as I do every day, and asked him to sit down and talk with my husband about ways to make us even happier. Ta.