Four ways to feel nasty, nasty and confident

This week, a thoughtful reader named Jenn asked my Substack Newsletter a compelling question. Here is her story in her own words, lightly edited for clarity and length:

I have four friends I really love. I’m comfortable and open when each is one-on-one…but when we all come together for a girl’s night out, I’m trying hard and shy.

They make simple comments and ask questions, but sooner or later they want life updates. My brain surprises everything Note Being on me, I blush and get awkward.

I don’t like this and it makes no sense to me either. It’s like a group taking on a unique life that makes me uncomfortable. But these are my friends!

What can I do (or think) to feel more secure when we are together? I love these people and want to be with them.

yes! Jen’s situation is general and relevant. group do Have your own life. Therefore, here are four ways to manage the shift from individual interactions to group dynamics.

1. Groups fundamentally accept that things are different from one to one.

Compare chats with one colleague with weekly team meetings, talk with your sister, or attend a large family dinner. This is the difference between playing catches with one friend and playing a complete baseball game.

In group settings, you must follow the words, emotions and interactions of multiple people, not to mention interruptions and side chat management. There is more tension in our brain power, social energy, and emotional reserves.

So if a group conversation feels tougher than an individual conversation, that doesn’t mean it you Naughty – Group Dynamics teeth It’s awkward. Your reaction makes perfect sense.

2. Practice getting everyone to look at you (and also use some mindful acceptance).

Ah, all the head spins, horrifying moments! Whether it’s your turn to give you a “life update,” talk at a meeting or answer teacher questions, a collective gaze can send a surge in adrenaline. As Jen says, “That’s when I slump inside.” Luckily, both acceptance and change help.

Start with acceptance: Part of self-compassion is hoping that your nerves will surge when multiple eyes land on you. Despise evolution, temperament, or you Nervous system-It’s how you are wired. It’s not a flaw.

At the same time, you can do it Practice The eyes rotate. In the clinic where I work, I often insensitive clients to be the centre of attention to simulating this with a few colleagues and students in the meeting room. We will perform a countdown. “1, 2, 3 – Now” If the therapist works in a group setting, check if you can sort out similar things. Or, ask a few trusted friends and family to help out at the dinner table. It’s intense at first, but it’s easier to repeat. You may never be able to zero discomfort (again, even an astonishing acceptance) Cutting It can make a big difference at 30-50%.

If you are preparing for your presentation, try practicing in front of the Zoom Gallery view (records one of the team meetings).

3. You literally don’t have to answer the questions.

Thoughtful, conscience People, we often feel that we need to answer the exact questions asked. So when someone says, “What’s new with you?” you can feel pressured to produce a neat summary of life, touching on work, family, health, hobbies, and whole checklists.

But you don’t need to give a literal answer. Instead, you can have a simple story, make up something that someone else said, ask for advice, or share something funny or strange that happened. The goal is not to execute, but to connect. You can also pivot prompts for a literal answer, such as, “If I could bring one thing to a desert island, what would I bring?” What you You feel like sharing, not what they want to hear.

4. The transition from social performance to social connection.

Let’s define two.
Social Performance It’s all about action. Follow the script, avoid mistakes, and do the “right” thing.
Social connectionOn the other hand, it’s about relationships. It is seen, known and supported through shared experiences.

And yes, when all the eyes are on you, it can feel like you are on stage. But try to gently shift the focus from “Does I make sense?” Or “Do you sound stupid?” And at the heart of what you’re saying – it excites you, embarrasssssssssss, or moves you. It doesn’t have to be 100%. That’s true even at 51%.

This shift also works in more formal situations, such as providing presentations, interviewing work, and teaching classes. Whenever possible, pin yourself to the message you want to share, rather than the way you think you’ll come across.

To put it all together: like Jen, if you notice that you’re quiet in a group – with the people you love – you do not have By yourself, you’re not doing anything wrong. And when attention shakes your path, it’s not a test or an interrogation. It’s an opportunity to manifest itself as your true self, not as the version you expect.