Cultivate safe children and unfavourable childhood experiences

This post is part of the series The negative effects of childhood. Please read the other parts here.

Kent Hoffman and his colleagues write great books for parents Raising a safe child. They note that research shows that not only do safe children survive difficult living conditions, they also thrive, improve school performance, experience more satisfying relationships, and are higher. Self-esteemBetter mental and physical health, greater trust and the ability to bond with your child, greater empathy, longer Note Span and less likely to get easily irritated. Therefore, they are “safe” Attachments It is the most important foundation we can provide to our children… nutritionhealth care, and educationor even more so. This post highlights some of the key points to raising a safe child.

Basic needs of children

Even the youngest babies feel love, goodness and reliability, so “fall in love with the parents’ faces right away.”

Young children need a safe shelter. (When held, the child’s cortisol levels plummet.) The love and acceptance of a child suffering child carries a sense of worthy of whatever the child is. When parents show that they are calm and comfortable and satisfied with their painful feelings until they sink, their children begin to learn to respond in the same way.

Children also need a safe foundation to explore and discover the wonders of the new world. They look back at their parents, they leave and see the sparkle in their parents’ eyes.

Children are very good at detecting this Caretaker He is considerate, attentive, confident and relaxed. The clues they bring up include melodic tones. Elegant body movement; comfortable and embraces facial expressions. Beloved gaze and warm eye contact. Full presence (not distracted by checking your phone, for example); and emotional calm (“Don’t worry, I have you.”).

Parents’ thinking

Effective Child-raising It’s not about having perfect skills. In fact, parents will be able to slow down their expectations of perfection, relax and enjoy the process of bonding with their children. The idea is as follows:

• It’s relaxing. Together, we will know when we go to what you need.
• I’m not perfect, but I’m here. I am committed to taking care of you and always seeking your goodness. I’m confident in my ability to do so.
• I’m concerned enough to be kind and Hard.
• I’m older and smart. Whenever possible, I will follow your needs. If necessary, I will always be in charge of it in a robust but solid way (for example, making unpopular decisions and protecting my safety).
• I accept that the earliest years are especially It’s stressful.
• It’s impossible to ruin a baby. I will teach you that you are not alone in your difficult feelings, it’s all okay. They go back and forth. With the soft acceptance of me modeling, I know there is a way to get through them in the end.

Disorders to be aware of

Parents themselves have often experienced difficult childhoods, and of course fear Pass a malfunction pattern. Perhaps you have experienced neglect, abandonment, or abuse, and it is difficult to provide the comfort you did not receive. Therefore, as you grow into parenting, experiment with patientness and self-compassion.

The authors describe three sensibilities that hinder effective parenting and how to change them.

1. Separation sensitivity

These people fear abandonment. So they may discourage children from exploring (“I’m at home with me. It’s not safe there”). They may be engrossed in intimacy and may worry that they are not close enough to their loved ones.

Let your kids play with pleasure. Let her know that she enjoys watching her play and exploring. Develop your interest in her, not necessarily yours. When your child is not afraid, try not to impose your own fears. If you’re worried as she explores, remember, “She’s fine.”

2. Sensitivity of self-esteem

These people have learned that human values ​​and parental attention and approval are linked to their achievements. They tend to teach their children that they need to be better than others. They then pressure the child to be perfectly suited to their needs.

Try to relax and become yourself and discover your future.

3. Safety sensitivity

These people find connections scary, overwhelming, or choking. When they open their minds, they fear being controlled. Perhaps their feelings were ridiculed as children. Distance and self-sufficiency protect them, so they don’t hold children in need. Instead of being emotionally connected, they distract their children with toys, throw them into the air to make them laugh, dry their tears and wash their faces, shame He (“Big Boys don’t cry, suck it”).

Try to exist in your child’s emotions. Let your child know that it’s okay to have feelings. You also accept that you need a secure connection – and sometimes space. If you have difficulty opening up emotionally to your child, you might try a small amount of full presence and connection, for example, for 30 minutes several times a day.