Childhood trauma: The destruction of intimacy caused by immaturity

Every couple I’ve ever worked with has a dark underbelly of behavior that they find stupid or embarrassing. Every intimate relationship has intersecting symbolic parent-child elements, so it is impossible for couples not to cause feelings for each other. childhood Sometimes it’s traumatic and I feel like I’ve regressed to my previous state.

“Please stay away from me. I never want to see you again, ever.”

“You are the stupidest person I have ever met in my life.”

“You’re a terrible person.”

“I’m going to leave here and you’ll never see me again. Then you’ll regret it.”

“I hate you.”

“You think you know everything. You’re such an idiot.”

In my office, I often heard adult intimate partners say things like this to each other during arguments. These are often smart, insightful, strategic, and sometimes diplomatic towards others. However, when faced with a heated argument with an intimate partner, it can take you back to earlier times when this type of statement was appropriate for that period of your life.

If the couple understands that they are degenerating, it will be easier to overcome the emotional outburst after it subsides. But those childish words, spoken from one adult to another in that moment, can leave a permanent scar.

Anyone can behave in this way if they don’t understand why or what is going on when a degenerative response is triggered. Partners who have felt a sense of loss and youth no longer speak to each other, but to the people who hurt them when these experiences first occurred. This interaction is destined to continue until death at its natural conclusion, leaving both partners just as drained and sadly hurt as they were then. traumatic An event that actually happened.

Some couples may hide their interactions and carry on as if nothing had happened. Some people understand that whatever the reason, reparations must be made after the fact. regression It happened. Sadly, many people forever place the blame on the other partner and take the words uttered as what they actually meant in the current relationship.

Regardless of the pattern, if left uninvestigated and unresolved, these degenerative interactions are likely to reoccur, building cumulative scars and eroding trust and confidence. intimate Any relationship over time.

How can couples foresee these regressions coming, identify them as their true selves, explore their true origins, and separate them from their current adult relationships?

How can they help each other and change the outcome when they are stuck in a vortex of helpless emotions from the past?

When you are interacting normally, practice the following steps in preparation for the next episode. The first few times you can change your previous behavior may not be perfect, but cumulatively it gets easier.

Step 1: Decode the trigger

Help the other person identify words, phrases, vocal intonation, and facial expressions that trigger the regression.

“When you stand like you’re hovering over me and come at me in a machine-gun kind of way, I feel cornered and in danger. I want to run. , I feel paralyzed because I have nowhere to go.”

“You say really mean things, but when I challenge you, you start crying. I couldn’t hit a girl, even if she did something terrible to me. I couldn’t move. , I feel powerless.”

Step 2: Tune into your body

Before we get into a vicious cycle, let’s both get a feel for what’s going on in our bodies.

“I feel my throat tightening, as if I want to scream, but nothing comes out.”

“My hands are balled into tight fists, as if I’m ready to defend myself.”

Step 3: Recover the past

Identify how old you feel when you are in a state of regression. You’re not acting like that. You are also at that age. Once you’ve done that, remember who you were with and what was happening to you. Capture as much of the conversation as you can remember, and any options you have.

“When I start to crumble, I feel like I’m about 10 years old. Dad is coming to mom. I’m petrified because I feel like I have to protect her, but I’m scared of him. I feel guilty. I feel like I should be punished for it, but I don’t know why. It’s just my fault.”

“I feel really young, maybe two or three years old. I need something, but someone tells me I’m asking for too much, and I feel burdened.” I don’t want to be there, I want to disappear, but I’m trapped. ”I can’t improve, I can’t leave, I can’t stand it. It’s scary. ”

Step 4: Intervene and comfort.

When you see each other starting to slip into degenerative trauma, immediately stop arguing about the situation at hand and plan together to directly address the regression that is starting to occur. If the person dies too soon, the partner who is still okay may be able to do nothing more than hug them and tell them it’s okay and safe, just as a parent would have hoped.

Sadly, both people can be triggered at the same time, making this step difficult to accomplish. Usually the person whose trauma occurred later in life, or who was less traumatized, must be the first healer until the other partner can reciprocate.

“Persist. You cower within yourself and look at me as if I’m trying to harm you. I’m not your father. It’s me. Come closer. Hand. Hold me. Look into my eyes. You’ll be fine.”

“Your voices are rising and you’re picking up the pace. I’m not trying to push you into a corner. Let’s sit close to each other and be still for a while. I can’t fix what isn’t broken.” But I can understand why I look like the person who hurt you. We can do this.”