What is symbolic abuse and how can parents avoid it?

Humans are particularly symbolic creatures. The language itself can be considered a use of symbols. Some words like “car” may be simple placeholders that calmly refer to concrete objects. Others like “Rock” refer to seemingly mundane things in the physical world, but sometimes they can bring deep emotional meaning (please ask Dwayne Johnson).

Still other words such as “dignity” can refer to psychological experiences that are not authentic, but are specific, but not directly observable. Words like “dragon” can evoke emotional and cognitive recollections of phenomena that are not only abstract but also in an empirical sense. And when you put it together, you can make a phrase like “From one more” can be so powerfully symbolic that the whole country’s masses can roam around with those words in their pockets printed and printed to constantly remind them of national values.

Adults may take reality for granted in order to recognize the symbolism around them. But like the example above, there are plenty of examples everywhere when it looks objective. For example, to acknowledge the life of a person who completes the additional revolution of Earth around the sun, we light up the pastries on fire (birthday cake). To welcome young people to adults, we tie cardboard boxes on their heads and have them parade in front of communities carrying lamb skins (in modern times, high school diplomas are likely made of crushed wood pulp, i.e. paper, but the points are made).

Therefore, as adults, we may need to examine children’s behaviors in order to more easily recognize human respect for symbolism. Why do you cut two cakes and give them to the kids, and if my sister’s slices look like a larger percentage than her, then one melts? The amount of differences is not about sweet teeth, as they can be negligible or irrelevant.

It’s about symbolism. In the heart of a child, those with larger slices are more valuable and more loved. Small parts have the meaning of inferiority. So cakes are not cakes. It is a deep, existential adult commentary on the value of children. From this perspective, the cake size tantrums may make a little more sense to parents. (For example, if your boss gives a huge salary increase to a colleague, but not, an adult may have similar experiences.

In my experience working with children for decades, I have seen many examples of parents weaponizing symbolism as a form of child abuse. It’s insidious to quote verbatim words without bruises to show verbatim words. There is a certain plausible negativity among parents who commit these behaviors.

I’m not referring to pieces of cake that are slightly different in size. I have been working with children who have been taken away from home due to neglect and abuse, so I am sure I can remember some horrifying examples. But while it may seem like there’s a reasonable explanation here on the surface, further testing has a terrible example of encountering a type of emotional harm I call “symbolic abuse.”

Tell the child to get out of the photo

I know a family where one of my sons was not a biological child of a stepparent. When the photo was taken, the boy was asked to remove himself from the frame, so only the biological child of his stepparent was shown. If he happens to be in one photo, another photo will be taken without him, and this will be shown or put in the album.

One child does not have his own space or bed

I’ve seen cases where all my siblings have comfortable bedrooms in their homes. There was no visible evidence of his presence as he was even forced to clean up the mats and sheets he was there every morning. Even if such a child is part of a shared custody arrangement, there is no justification for this type of treatment. The harm of this type of exclusion can affect children and adults.

Do not include children on vacation

I have seen families where one child is routinely excluded from vacation. One family left their children at home as relatives, and the rest of them went to Disney World. They put this child back in their T-shirts as a souvenir. Passive attack Jabs rather than thoughtful gestures.

Family meals do not include children

Imagine sitting down to eat with your family. Everyone eats from the same communal bowl. Except that you were given your own separate plates and said you might not be able to share with them. What kind of message does this send? Unless there is a valid basis for infectious diseases or food allergies, it certainly isn’t one of the warmth and testimony.

Unequal involvement in children’s activities

I have seen families whose parents and parents were deeply involved in children’s activities, such as sports, but who literally did not attend one event in the lives of other children until high school.

Unequal support for children’s education

I know a child with a good GPA and SAT score who was only given token gestures in financial support after high school, but the same family financially supported another child through graduate studies. Parents and stepparents sat this child and told them they were themselves in life because they were “losers.” But they said that because they are so generous they would pay a third of the tuition fee to the community college as long as their children leave them and live with other parents (who suffered from disabilities due to mental health challenges). Obviously, a third of community college tuition fees aren’t that much and don’t take into account the cost of living, food, transportation, books, computers and other school supplies. However, like the Disney World T-shirt above, this negligible contribution provided a license to claim that these parents were still considerate towards their children.

Unequal inheritance

I know of an adult child who, after many years of different treatments, confronted abusive parents and demanded that their siblings be treated equally. Parents responded that this idea of ​​equality with other children was “disgust.” As parents, if we don’t contribute and strengthen our children’s lives, what is the meaning of our lives? Other than extreme cases, such as children experiencing problems Drug abuse, crimeOr, in some way, a decline in ability, disconnecting a child is often the coldest act of symbolic abuse.

When I write this, two very different stories come to mind. One is to unravel the experiences of abusers and their experiences of abuse. Moby Dick And the other is Cinderella. in Moby DickCaptain Ahab hated the white whales so much that he destroyed the ship and crew in pursuit of it. When he sinks under the waves, he says, “Until the end I work on you… From the heart of hell I stab you… For hatred I will give you a final breath.” There is a similar emotional quality in the type of abuse. Child-raising I’ve explained it here.

Cinderella’s personality experiences symbolic abuse Gas light It comes with that. She said she should thank you. But the slippers, the balls and the prince are symbols of discovering us Self-worth. Some scars may not be completely healed, but we can overcome our abuse Childhood And release yourself from the power of the abuser.