Do your best and then let it go

If control is just a story, do we tell ourselves to feel safe?

Most of us know that we can’t control everything – life is unpredictable. This belief is particularly important in our relationship. It’s a way to imagine how we build our loved ones and families and how our lives unfold.

Accepting the uncertainty of theory is one thing. But when the relationship ends unexpectedly, the path to Parent-child relationship It hurts for longer than we could have imagined. Or, when the life we ​​imagine falls out of reach, we are forced to consider that there is actually little control.

Our culture tends to prioritize agency and self-determination. They are told to be proactive. Create a vision board. The success of the manifesto.

And to some extent, that way of thinking can be empowering. Psychological research supports the idea that perception of control is related to greater happiness; Resilience. Julien Lotter Control Trajectory The theory (Nowicki et al., 2021) suggests that people impose better emotionally, especially when they believe their actions will affect them, especially when there is an internal trajectory of control.

But there is another aspect to that coin. If the outcome does not reflect effort – do everything “right” and when we still end up with a broken heart, we can shake up our sense of self. Ellen Langer’s classic study of the fantasy of control (1975) highlights how it is often overestimated to influence uncertain outcomes. In the context of relationships and birth rates, this illusion can be particularly painful. We may believe that if we try hard enough, love deeply, or choose wisely, we can prevent losses. And when it turns out to be untrue, it can feel like a failure. In reality, it’s just when we encountered the indomitable nature of life.

So, what do we do?

One principle of guidance is this: do your best. Then let it go.

It sounds simple. But in reality, it asks a lot of us.

“Do your best” may mean years of attempts. Emotionally, physically, economically. It means sitting with uncertainty, having a tough conversation, and holding hope longer than you thought. And “letting go” is rarely a moment. More often, it’s a process. It’s not to give up. It is about reconciliation with something we cannot enforce.

In therapeutic terminology, this reflects the concept of radical acceptance (Segal, Kivity, & Bernstein, 2025) and invites you to stop the fight against reality so that healing begins. In our relationships and reproductive journeys, this may mean accepting an ending we didn’t choose, grieve our imagination version of ourselves, or acknowledging that the outcome is not ours.

Letting go is not a passive or an act of defeat. Instead, there is wisdom It comes with removing our hands from the doorknobs that do not open and being exposed to other potential entrances and exits. Not because we are in loss, but because the fight is no longer serving us.

Of course, letting go can be devastating, just as the ground was pulled from under us. that sorrow It is effective in real life. But as we begin to live within its absence, other parts of life may begin to emerge. It’s not about pursuing or enforcing silver lining Positive toxicitybut it remains open to what comes next.

We can care deeply.

You can honestly try it.

We can love hard, we can grieve honestly, and yet, when the time comes –

You can let it go.