Choose reflection in times of change

Time moves slowly in the desert. Ever since I moved here in September, the light has been waking me up, whether I like it or not. My closest local friends live an hour and a half away. My husband and I have each other – soon to be pounded marriage We had never lived alone without children before. Still, it’s been more than 30 years since I spent my days seeing only one other person.

loneliness It’s bad for our health. of CDC website heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes, depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, self-harm, dementiaearly death as a possible consequence. AMA is “Loneliness as a public health issue” Even the Surgeon General check it The risk of death is “similar to the risk posed by the cause” smoking Up to 15 cigarettes a day is more serious than obesity or lack of exercise. ”

But this reality has both. in “Is “busy” the new status symbol?In , Molly Rose Tuke cites best-selling author Brené Brown’s concern that busyness is being used “as a defense against feelings we don’t want to acknowledge or face.” According to Pew Research, “60 percent of nearly 2,000 Americans believe there are not enough hours in the day to complete their to-do list,” and six in 10 adults are “busy.” I feel like I can’t enjoy life because it’s too much.” Americans with too busy schedules can’t fight loneliness with frantic activities.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we don’t try.

As an only child, I grew up feeling lonely as a playmate. My parents met many of the criteria that put people at risk for loneliness, from poverty to old age to physical and mental health issues. My mother’s loneliness was taking its toll on our small apartment. My mom and I relied on our younger selves to “fix” that apartment. I spent hours after school telling her exaggerated and fabricated stories from my day to entertain and please her. When I was in college, we talked on the phone every day. My mother used to call me her “best friend,” but now she understands the dangers of that. Parent-child relationship For many years my mother my Also my best friend. No one could remain more interested in my every thought, activity, and errand.

Still, I took proactive steps to rely on my children to do the same. My mom stayed home all the time, but I always worked, whether it was in the nonprofit or university sector. She didn’t have many girlfriends so I was keeping busy social life;She only had me, but I chose to have a large family of three children. While she remained in a platonic and emotionally distant marriage, I left my first marriage and found an intoxicating intellectual and physical passion in my second. While she was armchair traveling, I breathlessly traveled the world, even if it was financially taxing. I live a lifestyle that avoids my mother’s precursors of isolation, and sure enough, I’ve struggled with loneliness for years.

I had no time for self-care. meditationyoga, treatmentor even a nap. I lived on five hours of sleep, rarely said no to work or social invitations, lived in a busy city, and was rarely alone. Then everything changed. With my parents passing away and our youngest going to college, my husband and I downsized and moved to a house he owned for many years in the California desert, 6 miles from the nearest small town (35 miles from Target!) I moved to a small house. A few months have passed since I moved, and loneliness and I have become close again, as if we were archenemies, and maybe this time we can become friends.

Should I be worried about joining the loneliness epidemic? Well, the jury is out, but so far I’m not. For the past quarter century, I’ve had to clone myself to accomplish even half of my to-do list. I always promised myself that life would “settle” in X months, but when that elusive month arrived, I found myself overflowing with obligations. Some of this was necessary divorced A mother with children and a supportive mother, but chaos was also my antidote to loneliness. Isn’t it amazing that as I meditated anew on my desert porch, my mind flew around like crazy wings hitting a birdcage? Was it any surprise that I could barely remember what to do with my “alone time” when my husband was busy with other things?

Like many things, loneliness is a slippery slope. True isolation is not good for most people (there are exceptions), but I live with a caring spouse, visit my children, spend time with my business partner (also one of my best friends), and spend time in the city. I am practicing yoga. I have a friend and a daughter in Los Angeles. There is little danger of losing contact with the world. I It was For years I was in danger of losing contact with myself. For now, fighting loneliness is a kind of detox from the way I’ve been running away from myself from frantic activities. Finally, I can’t help but sit with the contents of my brain, the vast empty space of our land, a sky wide and quiet with vibrant colors.

It took a few months, but I am now able to focus on my breathing during meditation without my mind spinning, going into “micromanager” mode, and anxiety bubbling deep inside. Ta. in, out: Me and my breathing are together again, but here at 56 years old there is no one I have to play. When my husband asks how I’m doing, I answer honestly. I struggle, but I welcome the struggle, the chance to grow within it. I I knew This would be difficult, but that was part of the appeal.

Perhaps that’s the crux of the matter. Unchosen loneliness and isolation can be harmful, but sometimes it’s okay to choose to be hard for a period of time as a tool for reset and transformation. In some cases, loneliness may not be harmful, but rather pervasive. Sometimes I become a fist, other times I become more and more a flower, and finally the space expands.