9 Steps to Break the Cycle of Intergenerational Trauma

I researched it in a previous post How family trauma can shape your child’s upbringing You didn’t know that, and I watched it Six Specific Ways of Trauma in Your Daily Parenting.

Now I have the most important question. How do you actually break these patterns? Below are nine specific steps you can take to interrupt these cycles and build a healthier relationship with your child.

1. Understand the trigger

Start by looking closely at what sets your suddenness specifically anger. a Children’s behavior causes us, Usually there is a thread that connects it to our own Childhood. Perhaps their rebellion reminds us of a time when we were punished for speaking out. Or their tears regain the memories of being told that our emotions were “too much.”

This perception does not mean that the trigger will disappear overnight. But when we understand why we respond so strongly, we may be able to create a space between the trigger and our response.

2. Understand your needs

Understanding the trigger is just the first step. You want to understand too The need you are trying to achieve When it is triggered.

Many times we think that children need to wear shoes and brush their teeth, but these are not really needs. They are strategy. Your real needs may be simple, collaborationor connect.

When you can identify your needs under your response, you will open up more ways to meet that needs. If your need is simple and your child is not dressed, you can lay out clothes on the night before or have them choose two clothes. If your need is for the connection and they are pushing you away, then perhaps you can find a small way to connect, not including what they are resisting.

3. Process your own stories

Too much silence and too much sharing can both be harmful. Whether your therapist, trusted friend or a journal, aim to be a middle ground where you can tell your story in the way that means it.

trauma There is a different accumulation in our brains. When our combat or flight system is activated, parts of our brains help us organize and understand our experiences. We will reexamine these experiences In a safe and supportive environment, the whole brain can be used to process what happened.

4. Inhale

If you notice intense anger or other strong emotions, try taking a conscious breath before responding. This gives the brain thinking center the opportunity to come back online and helps you respond more thoughtfully.

When we are triggered, our bodies are responding to what it perceives as a threat.

You can also practice breathing throughout the family. Parents can model these techniques for their children. “We’re all struggling! Is it okay to take a break to take a deep breath?”

5. Practice self-compassion

You can’t do this perfectly every time. Sometimes you will still scream. Sometimes you may react from your trigger before catching yourself.

When we ruin it, we often beat ourselves up about it. I’m thinking things like, “I’m a terrible parent” or “I should know better before.” But this harsh self-criticism actually makes it difficult to change our patterns.

Instead, Try treating yourself with the same kind of compassion you provide to your dear friend. The same gentle approach as yourself is much more likely to lead to real change. When we are kind to ourselves about our mistakes, we can learn from them without getting stuck shame.

6. Thoughtful with storytelling

If selected Share your past aspects with your childKeep your developmental stages in mind and guide what you say to their questions. The goal is not to overwhelm them with details that cannot be processed yet.

Think about what you want to achieve by sharing: what are the pros and cons of telling my child this? How do you want to express this? What is their response and what is the purpose of telling them? How could this benefit our families? What could potentially hurt?

There is no universally correct answer – what can be useful for your family. By sharing minimal information and answering questions, you are less likely to share information that you are not yet ready.

7. Focus on your child’s needs

I understand that we want to “rewrite” our own childhood through us Child-raisingbut it can be easily done Shifting the focus from the needs of our children to the unmet of our own. Our children cannot heal our past. With our support, they can live their lives alone.

Dr. Rebecca Babcock Fenersi found something surprising in her research. Sometimes mothers report that they “love being a mother” Children with low social emotional well-being. Her hypothesis was that these mothers might be using their children unconsciously to meet their emotional needs, rather than focusing on what their children actually need.

8. Consider seeking support

Treatment It could be an invaluable tool to reveal Unconscious Understand patterns, big emotions and practice new ways of dealing with them. If you consider revisiting people and places related to your trauma, having professional guidance can make the process safer and more productive.

You may also consider talking to your healthcare provider about your experience. the study Childhood side effects (ACES) Early trauma indicates that it can affect our physical health as well as our mental health. More than four people Ace There is a risk of thinking twice or more than 12 times the risk of heart disease suicide.

9. Be careful of the signal

Changes in mood, behavior, persistent conflict, or experiences in your child depression, anxietyor your own pain is all important signs. Sometimes the “problem” seen in our kids is a sign that something deep is actually going on Family dynamics.

This does not mean that it’s all your fault. Children go through normal developmental stages, and many of the challenges have nothing to do with our past trauma. But it’s worth asking: Does anything affecting me also affect my child?

Final Thoughts

Breaking the intergenerational trauma cycle is to be more aware of how your past experiences affect your current responses, and gradually develop new ways of responding to you and your child.

These steps are not intended to be fully adhered to or fully mastered before proceeding to the next step. You may find that healing occurs in layers and working on some of these areas at once.

Your awareness and intention to break these cycles are already a gift for your child, even if the work feels hard and progress is slow.

To find a therapist Visit Psychology Today Therapy Directory.