Helping foster parents separate embarrassment from identity

For children Foster parentsSafety is just part of healing. Many people are burdened with invisible burdens shame It comes from being separated from their family. Unlike Guiltthat says “I did something bad.” Embarrassing whispers.”I’m in bad condition. ” Over time, this whisper will weave Identityso making mistakes feels like a proof of valuelessness, not an opportunity to learn.

Separation trauma Raised young people remain particularly vulnerable to internalizing responsibility for situations beyond their control. Many people come to believe that they have been removed because they are loved, unworthy or defective. They believe it is their fault and they believe that they are responsible for the separation of their families, as children are self-centered. This toxic story will be tough Inner voice The relationship, learning, and Self-esteem.

The kids I worked with were suffering from shame. This is his story and his approach to treatment.

TJ, an 8-year-old African-American boy, had already lived in nine foster parents’ placements before he arrived at his current home. Every night, his foster father tried to help with his homework, but he started crying. anger – For example, slap your head against the wall and scream outside. TJ will rip and scream: “I’m stupid! I’m stupid! I’m stupid.”

His foster parents reassured him by doing their best he could.You’re not stupid. “However, the more he denied his feelings of shame, the more TJ’s thoughts of autoinflammation escalated.

From the outside, this response seemed compassionate. However, therapeutically, it unintentionally dismissed TJ’s living reality. As Carl Jung wrote,What we resist, what will continue.” And in this case, his shameful resistance became stronger. Freud He emphasized that repressed emotions will emerge until they are dealt with. TJ’s struggle shows that shame remains implicit and becomes an identity rather than just something Feelings.

TJ wasn’t just saying he made a mistake. His belief was, “He was wrong.” His feelings of shame and his sense of self were fused into one painful identity and intertwined as one. He could not separate his sense of self from his actions.

To break this cycle, I introduced Shamewich techniques I developed from my book Youth Toolbox at Risk Traumatized. Based on the story Treatment and the studyit offers a playful but powerful way to separate shame from the self, while inviting caregivers to verify caregivers without conspiration.

Embarrassing intervention

Age range: 7-17+

Goal: Help children and teens to recognize shame as a voice rather than an identity, and learn how to strengthen self-compassion.

Materials: Shampichwich worksheets, coloring equipment, stickers, construction paper.

Step 1. Normalize shame

Explain many children Foster parents Feel it’s their fault that they can’t live with their birth family. While mistakes are happening, they make it clear that they are never wrong.

Step 2. Building embarrassment (hamburger metaphor)

The bread at the bottom is the voice of my best friend: “Everyone makes a mistake,” “You are loved,” “You belong.”

The fixture is a voice of shame: a harsh inner word like “”“No one loves me,” “I’m stupid,” and “I’m broken.”

Toppan is once again the voice of my best friend: compassion is layered “You’re still learning,” “It’s okay to make mistakes.”

Step 3. Externalizes the voice of shame

Describe “fixing” as a troublesome and messy idea accumulated by past experience. They can spill, but the caring bread holds the sandwich together, reminding the kids that they are good at the whole, at their core.

Step 4. It will decorate your embarrassment

invite Creativitycolors, stickers, drawings. This helps children take ownership of healing tools.

Step 5. Process and Reflection

listen:“How was it to write down your thoughts of shame?”
“What do you say about your best friend?”
“How can you remind us of these supportive messages?”

Step 6. Integrate self-compassion

We encourage children to see embarrassment as a reminder. “I made a mistake, but I’m not a mistake. I haven’t learned that yet!”

Shamewich gives foster parents concrete tools to separate shame from identity. By providing alternative stories of compassion while examining voices of shame, caregivers and clinicians help children feel seen and supported.

For TJ, when his foster parents began saying, “You feel you’re stupid right now, and that must be very difficult. Making a mistake doesn’t mean you’re wrong. What do you say in the voice of your best friend?” The time for homework has changed. For the first time, I was able to imagine TJ as more than the shame he carried.

Foster parents need more than a safe home. They need a mirror that reflects their values, dignity, and their values ​​and dignity Resilience. This creative intervention allows the raised young people to dismantle toxic self-belief, develop self-compassion, and open the door to resilience and healing. When the kids can say “I made a mistake, but I’m not.” They step into self-compassion, healing and growth.