6 dangers of suppressing your emotions

If you ask Jake what he would do if his partner did something that bothered him, he’d probably say, “Leave him alone.” It’s not just Jake. Many men in particular, but also many women, have learned not to express their emotions and use them as information in a healthy way. Jake’s “letting go” is a way he learns to avoid the confrontations, conflicts, and uncontrollable situations he fears. anger Possible rejection and criticism from him or others. Jake’s go-to solution is to internalize his emotions to prevent them from becoming scary and overwhelming to him.

Why and how did Jake learn this method? The most common sources are:

My parents were emotional and abusive.

If you grew up in a household where one or both parents were emotionally unstable because: addiction If you have problems, mental health issues, or have been emotionally or physically abused, you have few options for survival as a child. Become a shut-in, be nice to avoid getting into trouble, or get angry. The Jakes of the world relied on being reclusive and good. The good news is that it worked. Jake survived. childhood— The bad news is, if you don’t turn it off as an adult, it won’t work for you. The world is getting bigger and there are more people and situations that can make you feel like a wounded child instead of an adult.

Parents internalized their feelings.

Here, children grow up in sterile homes where emotions are never expressed or talked about. Often the parents themselves grew up in such an environment or had unstable or abusive parents and adopted Jake’s behavioral style and passed it on to him.

The theme here is learning that others are not safe, especially those close to you or in positions of power such as your boss.

Again, this worked for me as a child, but not as an adult. Here are six common consequences of continued internalization.

1. Regularly explodes or riots.

Holding back your emotions is like living in a pressure cooker. Eventually, the emotional pressure builds up and you either explode or get your way. fear-Or acting out- having an affair or getting drunk. At that time, you believe that you are entitled to do what you are doing, but every time you are shocked by what you have done, you go back and inward, rinse and repeat.

2. You are self-critical.

When I worked with young children, it was rare for a child not to blame themselves in some way for their parents. divorce. Children are naturally self-centered and believe that the world revolves around them, so they are quick to blame themselves for what happens around them. And people with critical parents learn to criticize themselves proactively so that they don’t act in anticipation of their parents criticizing them. Again, we learn to walk on eggshells and continue to do what we learned as children even now as adults.

3. You are at risk for depression or addiction.

Freud predefined depression Anger turns inward and therefore remorse arises. There are also risks of using food. alcoholand drugs to numb the intense emotions you’re carrying.

4. They are more likely to have medical problems.

in his book when your body says nophysician Gabor Mate documents how internalization can have lasting effects. stress This can lead to common medical problems such as asthma, cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, and even Alzheimer’s disease.

5. There is no intimacy in your intimate relationships.

Because you’re always focused on avoiding conflict, or afraid to speak up for fear of conflict, the other person just sees you being silent and passive, and they don’t want to talk to you. I feel like he’s saying what I want to hear. I’ve heard thousands of partners say that they wish their partner would tell them what’s bothering them, that they don’t just complain, that they just open up. Their partners are turtles who live inside their shells. they feel lonely.

6. You are living someone else’s life, not your own.

If Jake spends much of his life and relationships building around what others want in order to avoid fearing overwhelming conflict and emotions, he is essentially Instead, you end up living someone else’s life. I’ve met people who spent most of their lives doing this and then look back with regret and sadness. I haven’t felt like myself for years and now I’m running out of time.

Is this fixable? Absolutely! Here’s how to get started:

Please be aware that you are using outdated software.

If you think of your brain as a computer, it’s basically running on outdated software. It’s time to upgrade because what you used to do as a kid doesn’t work anymore. If you want to stop living like a child and become more of an adult, start by recognizing when that little child brain takes over so you can change it.

When you feel unsafe, close your heart, or let go, remind yourself that this is in the past.

Take a risk and step forward.

this is all anxietythe key to dealing with anxiety is to step outside your comfort zone. Jake needs to speak up if something bothers him, to know that what he thought would happen is not going to happen. In this way, he rewires his brain to stop feeling like a victim and discovers that not everyone is like their parents.

Say what you need to feel safe.

Jake doesn’t want his partner to overreact. He can pre-emptively tell his partner how he can feel safe by simply listening and appreciating that the other person is trying to be more open and intimate.

Take baby steps.

Here’s what I say to the Jakes: You don’t have to think for yourself. Even if it takes you three days to muster up the courage to speak up, that’s okay. If you need to write notes, that’s fine. Please do what you can. However, please refrain from biting your tongue.

The key to avoiding fear is to run toward what scares you. By doing so, you can change the way you see yourself and the world and become an adult.