4 ways dealing with loss can skew your view of love

The internet seems to be full of dissatisfied and pessimistic opinions about love. Many people appear sad, angry, hopeless, or even playing manipulative games. meanwhile social media It is true that such views are amplified, and there are many people who become trapped in truly negative views, which bias their beliefs and damage their relationships. but why?

Simply put, they are trying to cope. Those perspectives are an attempt to address the pain and loss that we all experience in love and relationships. In fact, according to classical theory, sorrow When faced with loss and loss, we can get stuck in different stages of coping. Therefore, understanding how we deal with love loss can help us understand where we get stuck and biased about love, and how to get unstuck.

Coping with sadness and loss

in her book About death and dying (1973), Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified a variety of emotional responses to grief and loss experienced by terminally ill patients. These reactions have since been updated to include how we deal with other losses, such as rejection, breakups, and heartbreak. divorce (Kubler-Ross and Kessler, 2014). Basically, when faced with such challenges, we may experience one or more of the following stages:

It should be noted that many experts do not agree on the progression of these stages or whether people experience these stages at all or in any order. Nevertheless, these are general categories that are good for identifying how we react and feel when something goes wrong in our love life.

rejection: The shock of the loss may cause some people to reject the reality of the situation and deny that the problem occurred. For example, you might hope that your ex-partner will realize the error of his ways and come back, or that your true soulmate will somehow magically appear. People who have this perspective are nice men and womenstill holding out hope for unconditional love and healthy relationships. However, in the process, we may deny or ignore practical interactions and interpersonal relationships. attraction It’s necessary for relationships to work, and it can hurt as a result. It is especially likely to get stuck here when shock and loss first occur and you are trying to maintain positive ideals.

anger: People may also become frustrated or angry over the loss they have experienced. In relationships, some people may focus on blaming the unfairness of others or their own behavior. This can extend to entire groups, such as feeling that all men or women are bad or untrustworthy. In their anger, they identify: modern human relationship problems And the games that people play. They learn to protect themselves from manipulation, but often at the cost of not striving for a satisfying long-term relationship. This often happens when someone gets over their initial denial and begins to see the unpleasant reality of their love situation.

negotiation: Another common reaction is for someone to try to make some kind of trade as a way to avoid or reverse at least some of their losses. Unfortunately, as they cope, they may come to see every aspect of the relationship as something to be negotiated. The good thing about this perspective is that it ultimately focuses on: Practical skills that create appeal and connections in human relationships. The downside to this perspective is that you can get stuck in shallow transactional interactions and abandon higher goals such as long-term relationships and commitment. Negotiation therefore provides only a partial solution, but it refocuses away from anger and toward something more constructive.

depression: In some cases, the sadness and sense of loss of a situation can be so overwhelming that you give up, at least temporarily. Maybe you stop trying to reconcile with your ex-partner or stop trying to find a partner altogether. This feeling of hopelessness often occurs after attempts at negotiation fail and the person has to fully accept the loss. At this point people may misunderstand blame yourself for not being loved Or you find it too difficult to find a good partner. Therefore, with this mindset, it is easy to lose hope completely. Nevertheless, taking a break can help you rest and heal, especially when pursuing other meaningful aspects of life or personal growth.

accept: After bouncing back and forth with one or more of the above reactions, we are finally faced with the full reality of our situation. We accept the inevitable. This helps calm our emotions and allows for a more complete perspective. Ultimately, you’ll be able to see the good, the bad, and the path to more satisfying interactions when it comes to love, dating, and relationships.

From the above explanation, you may already see traces of negativity, anger, bargaining, or depression in the perspective of different types of relationships, and even in your own love perspective. The goal from there is to begin to break out of a limiting coping mindset by finding acceptance.

find something acceptable

So how can you get unstuck and move forward? We accept the partial truths of each perspective and find a larger, more comprehensive perspective. motivation and the ability to try again. In fact, this is the approach I’ve taken in my own love life and in my books. attraction psychology (Nicholson, 2022), by exploring the full reality of love and finding a balanced approach to dating and relationships.

To get started, try See love as balance Passion and compatibility, and ability and drive. Learn the structure of dating and date in a way that fits your relationship goals. Learn who to trust as a partner and how to trust them. These points will also help you understand your past experiences and show you a productive way forward.

From there, keep an eye on what’s fair while hoping for the best. Get used to it considerate Prioritize things that are realistic, but prioritize things that are truly satisfying. By doing so, you will be able to accept both the emotional highs and practical realities of a relationship and find fulfilling solutions in your love life as well.

© 2024 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, MA, MSW, Ph.D. All rights reserved.