4 parenting styles that lead to perfectionism

Are you struggling with perfectionism? This often includes setting impossibly high standards, trying to please others, and fearing that you will never live up to them.

Many people mistakenly equate perfectionism with the pursuit of excellence, when in fact, the opposite is usually the case. Rather than motivating us and helping us achieve more, perfectionism often causes harsh self-criticism, chronic stress, and physical and mental health challenges. It can also create a harmful belief that self-worth and love must be earned.

Why do people develop a perfectionist personality?

If you fighting perfectionismyou’ve probably wondered why these traits developed.

Although there is no single cause of perfectionism, most people sexculture, innate personalityand experience plays an important role. child rearing Style can also contribute to perfectionism, because parents have a huge influence on the development of our habits, values, beliefs, and self-awareness.

The four parenting styles described in this article (demanding, perfectionist, distracted, and overbearing) are explained in detail in my book. CBT workbook for perfectionism.

As you read the descriptions, notice whether one or more describes how you were raised or how you raise your children.

1. Demanding Parents

Demanding parents prioritize external indicators of success, such as awards, grades, and titles, and value the opinions of others above all else. They see their children as extensions of themselves and bond with them. self-esteem For children’s achievements. When a child falls short of perfection, demanding parents may feel embarrassed or inadequate.

Demanding parents tell their children (even adult children) what to do instead of asking what their children want, need, or feel. They often use verbal aggression (excessive yelling, swearing, name-calling) and physical discipline because they teach their children that failure and disobedience will not be tolerated and believe that harsh methods will lead to success. .

Children of demanding parents grow up feeling inadequate because they constantly fail to meet their parents’ and their own expectations. They often internalize their parents’ desires and have a hard time identifying their own desires. the goal And ideal. They also learn that they can only be loved if they please others. Striving for perfection will help you be accepted, loved, and Note.

2. Perfectionist parents

Perfectionism can also be learned by children if they grow up with ambitious, goal-oriented perfectionist parents who provide examples and rewards. perfectionist effort. Perfectionism is encouraged when children are overly praised for their accomplishments rather than their character or efforts. The focus is on what the child achieves rather than the process or who he or she is as a person.

Perfectionist parents are generally loving and do not necessarily directly set unrealistic expectations for their children (although they may do so if their children have demands on them). They model the values ​​of a perfect family, home, and appearance by achieving at very high levels and achieving academically. careeror financial success.

3. Distracting Parents

Distracted parents meet their children’s physical needs, but not their emotional needs. Usually these parents, although well-intentioned, are unaware of how their child is feeling, what they need, and how their actions affect their child.

Distracted parents may work long hours, be physically and mentally unable to work, or spend most of their time online. Others are always busy, rushing from one activity to the next without taking enough breaks to check on the kids.

Although they may not openly demand perfection, their actions convey that success and accomplishment define a person’s worth. Their lack of attention can tell their children that they are not worthy of attention, smart enough, charming enough, or talented enough.

Perfectionism is a way for children of unfocused parents to get their parents’ attention or relieve their parents’ burdens.

4. Overwhelmed parents

Overwhelmed parents lack the skills to effectively deal with life’s challenges and their children’s needs. They can become chronically overwhelmed through no fault of their own traumamental illness; addictionor cognitive impairment. Or they may be overwhelmed by chronic stressors such as a seriously ill child, unemployment, poverty, health problems, or living in an unsafe area.

Overwhelmed parents aren’t just distracted and tired; We are unable to provide a safe and nurturing environment for our children. Overwhelmed families either lack consistent rules and structure or have rules that are overly strict or arbitrary. And overwhelmed parents either have unrealistic expectations for their children, such as expecting their 5-year-old to prepare and clean up their own meals, or have no expectations at all. .

Growing up with overwhelmed parents creates confusion, and children usually blame themselves for family problems. They may believe that if they were “better” kids everyone would be happy. “If I had gotten good grades, my dad wouldn’t have done that.” I felt stressed” or “If I was perfect, Mom wouldn’t drink.” Some overwhelmed parents reinforce these harmful beliefs by openly blaming their children.

In response, some children use perfectionism to create a sense of control and stability. They may obsess over small tasks or pursue perfect performance to compensate for their feelings of inadequacy or responsibility, hoping to restore order and safety in an unpredictable environment.

conclusion

Demanding, perfectionist, distracted, and overwhelmed parents behave differently, but they all have one thing in common: an inability to notice, understand, and appreciate their children’s emotions. Children experience this as a lack of interest in truly knowing themselves as people: their thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. dreamand goals.

People who have had this kind of upbringing have likely learned that being perfect can get them attention, praise, or help them avoid being harsh. punishment And criticism. Your self-esteem (and sometimes survival) depended on pleasing your parents and upholding the image of a successful family. As a result, you were constantly chasing external validation, hoping that it would ultimately make you feel worthy.

©Sharon Martin, LCSW. A version of this post is also available on the author’s website.