#1 Relationship Skills Nobody Tells You

When a relationship is turned off, most of us think by default, What’s wrong with them? I rarely stop and ask, What’s going on in me now?

But that’s where the fundamental transformation begins.

In my book, Why can’t you read my mind?explore how our most toxic moments of relationships come not from a lack of love, but from an invisible spiritual trap. It’s an automatic, strict idea that hijacks empathy and replaces it with judgement.

This is called a 3D effect

• We will become Distracted By toxic thoughts (all or anything, hard, extreme)
• This will be created distance (When you don’t feel much pull to share your thoughts or feelings)
• And ultimately, it connects Cutting (When you’re together, you feel like a roommate.)

It’s counterintuitive, but the most powerful thing you can do to improve your relationship is to focus too much on your partner’s flaws and more on your own reactivity. That’s because we are biologically wired to respond to perceived threats, especially emotional threats. And sadly, we often treat those we love like enemies.

Take Amanda and Jake. (All names have been changed.)

Amanda resented. “He’s never listening to me,” she said. “He’s always buried on the phone.” But what she hadn’t noticed was under her. anger It was a toxic thought loop: “If he loved me, he would put the phone down immediately.” Such all-or-nothing thinking left no room for healthy dialogue.

When Amanda learned to pause and challenge her inner story, she stopped the lead on the responsibility. Instead, she said, “I miss feeling close to you. Can I check in without any distractions?” The shift was dramatic. Jake felt no attack. He felt he saw it. And they reconnected with calm rather than conflict.

Then there are Marcus and Eli.

Marcus is constantly defensive and I am sure Eli’s proposal is a dig into his abilities. “I feel like I’ve failed him,” Marcus admitted. But as we explored deeper, it became clear: he was filtering everything through toxic beliefs –“I’m not enough.” The filter turned small comments into emotional landmines.

Over time, Marcus began checking in instead of checking out. One night, when Eli gave a critique, Marcus calmly said, “Are you angry at me or just providing feedback?” Eli smiled: “Just feedback – I know I can sound sharp.” At that moment, the connection replaced the conflict.

These are not isolated stories. They are everyday examples of how unexplored reactivity erodes intimacy.

This is the real secret

If you want to change your relationship, start by changing how you respond to your thoughts. Instead of responding to pain, pause. Instead of snapback, it softens. Instead of assuming the worst, you become more curious.

Empathy isn’t just for your partner. It starts with how you tell yourself.

Because love cannot disappear in one argument. But what about unchecked reactivity? It can feel like even the deepest love it is slipping down.